Realizing more & more about this move...

It's been just over 4 months since we left GA. I can't even begin to tell you all that these 4 months have brought. But I'm going to try...

Leaving Columbus was hard. Leaving family was the worst. I'll never forget that last Sunday with my family. I'll never forget weeping through church sitting next to my family thinking "I can't leave them." I'll never forget crying...let's be honest...weeping the entire time I drove that Sunday afternoon. I cried most of Monday as well. (I'm crying now just typing about it.)  I knew I loved my family but the thought of not seeing them at least once a week broke me hard. 

The first several weeks I cried every Saturday evening. I don't know what it was about Saturdays but I fell apart. I missed my family. I wanted to be able to see them at church the next morning. I missed my church family, my running buddies, my neighbors...I missed "normal" life. 

But as the weeks went on the Lord began to calm my heart. He kept reminding me that this is where He had called us to. He literally reminded me every day I walked in our house and saw the painting from my friend Ashley that says "Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." - Elisabeth Elliot

He reminded me over & over in the faces of the people here.  

Lately, I've started to notice something else He's done in this move. At first I thought it was just a by-product but I'm sensing it was part of His plan all along...

(Disclaimer: All that I am about to explain was a KACI problem not a Columbus problem.)

I'm FREE here. It's a beautiful freedom that I've longed for. 

This may sound silly to some but this move has helped me be myself again. 

In Columbus I'd gotten way too focused on myself.  We all know I was too focused on my weight/appearance. I'd let the devil tell me I wasn't enough: pretty enough, popular enough, rich enough, thin enough, etc. I'd listened and believed those lies. 

Moving here has given me freedom from all of those things for lots of reasons. Some make me laugh. 

First of all, nobody here knows that I used to weigh 30 lbs less than I do now so to them I'm "just Kaci." Now, I'm sure to people in Columbus I was "just Kaci" too but I was so ashamed of myself and so self-centered I couldn't see the truth. The devil had me convinced my worth was wrapped up in how skinny I could be when in reality that didn't matter and certainly had NOTHING to do with the Kingdom of God. 

(also I was gross skinny and looked like a drug addict so even though 30lbs may have been a TAD much it's still better than looking and being hungry.) 

Secondly, I had convinced myself that I wasn't "cool" enough or beautiful/perfect enough, wealthy enough or  junior league (nothing wrong with it!) enough so I should just hunker down in my own little world and never branch out. So stupid.

I was stuck in a RUT in so many ways. I thought I HAD to run at least 4 miles every morning and do Uncommon Athlete at least 5 days. I had the same daily routine. I had the same fears, anxieties, and unworthy feelings every.day. yuck.

Here I have taken my eyes off of myself. I've quit caring who seems to "have it all together" or has status (probably helps that I simply don't know) and I've just been myself. I've reached out. I've started conversations with people that I don't know and felt free to do it.

Taking my eyes off of myself has allowed me to LOVE other people well. I did that some in Columbus but often found myself too intimidated to reach out to people that I felt a nudge to.

I'm determined (with the help of Jesus) to love, encourage and reach out to whoever He tells me to in Angel Fire. Trust me...He's already called me out of my comfort zone but I'm going for it.

Last night I had a house full of friends and kids. And I LOVED every minute. I wasn't thinking about how chunky I felt, how much more beautiful the other girls were than me (and they are!), or how much smarter or successful the others were. I just laughed. I just talked, listened and had fun.

That is such freedom for me.

I did almost announce around at one point that "they didn't have to leave but I was about to take my pants off!" That's how I always got our community group to end on time.

I love this place. I love this life. I love the sweet friends that God has put in our lives. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love our church. I love the school that Gabe attends and the staff that works there. I love that God has called me out of my comfort zone in every way.

PS - I do miss my family. I still cry bc I miss them. And I won't see them again until MARCH...y'all. I can't.

But He is so faithful.

I was miserable and stuck the last couple years in Columbus. Of course I had joy because of Him but I felt stuck in my self-centered world and I hated it.

Who knew a cross country move would FREE me? Who would've thought it would free my heart to be and do what He has called me to do? He is so creative. He is so exciting and full of surprises.

Lord help me to stay in this sweet place of freedom so that I can keep my eyes on You and the people that You love and have called me to love in this beautiful place.

A sweet friend sent me this a couple weeks ago and it couldn't be more true...

So now I will pack up my life and trade all this beautiful certainty for beautiful uncertainty. And I know God will meet me there in the middle of the questions with answers in His perfect timing, in His perfect way. Because that's what He does. That's what it's all about...this simple thing. This surrendering thing. This walking with Him thing.

The End Beginning.

Mandy Hale, #BeautifulUncertainty