strangest week ever

we'll have to backup to last thursday to get the full effect of this past week. we got an email about a baby boy that was due (last saturday, dec 10!)  we were super excited. we quickly overnighted our info to an agency in texas & hoped for the best. 

this agency (adoption access) is HANDS DOWN the most amazing agency out there. without being paid a dime they were willing to answer questions, they encouraged us and gave our hearts such peace. i cannot get over how much i love this agency. i hope, hope, hope they are the ones we place with (eventually.) 

they emailed us and told us we'd be one of 4 couples being considered & we'd hear something by tuesday.

so, like every other time we've been through this we just keep living life & wait.

sunday started out with a 15 mile run. believe it or not, i enjoyed the run. most of that is thanks to my running buddy madison. after i finished running though, i felt old all day! it wasn't the best.

monday morning was a short run but i got rained on the entire time. it was somewhat refreshing though. then i went in to work for our staff christmas shindig :)  we had awesome lunch provided by one of our team leaders. she can COOK. oh my gosh. what a blessing clara is!!! she even brought wonderful dessert. we ate & did our dirty santa gift swap. somehow i was the one that had a gift stolen multiple times. booooo. but in the end sweet caleb gave me the toy story deck of cards i was hoping for. 

after lunch - in the wet, cold rain - my mom and i went to sam's to shop for the TA christmas party. we knocked it out in pretty good time. but it was ridiculously cold. i was miserable. after sams i had to meet the TA, inc staff to unload supplies for the velocity & TA christmas parties.

...all the while, i'm trying to keep my mind OFF this baby that i am hoping for. 

things were different with this baby b/c he was due any minute. so there was the added excitement of having to jump on a plane wednesday morning & fly to texas!  as much as i wanted to i wouldn't allow myself to "go there" in my mind. i wouldn't go buy baby clothes, pjs, etc. i just didnt want to have to see it if things didnt work out.

jay and i talked, prayed and shared our hearts about the baby on monday evening. THEN i figured out how jay had stayed so calm through our other 3 times being considered as parents. he thought we were 1 of like 100 couple being shown for the past babies. he didnt realize that previous 3 "situations" (as they call them) was just like our present one...us & 3 other couples only being shown to a birth mom.

does that make sense??

so no wonder he thought i was NUTS for crying weeping the past 3 times we'd not been chosen. 

i promise every time i try not to get my hopes up. i try to keep my emotions in check. but that's like telling a hopeful woman that thinks she's pregnant not to be excited. is that possible?! no...

anyway, tuesday is mostly a blur. i got up & went to the gym to keep myself busy. then worked, shopped, and ran some last minute christmas party errands.  then i got ready for the party & spent some much needed QT with Jesus. 

to keep myself sane on tuesday (NOT b/c i'm super godly...) i spent the day praying for the other 3 couples that were feeling the same way we were. i couldn't help but think of them. i don't know them, know their story, etc but i do know how they feel!  i'm thankful the Lord laid them on my heart instead of just praying for us/myself.

i kept my cell by my side the entire day. i knew the birth mom was looking at profiles at 3pm central. so i was a wreck after that. but i had to put on a brave face b/c i had to host a christmas party for oh...100 or so teenagers!

(i've YET to have a calm day that i hear back about a potential baby. the time before this i had to MC a rehearsal dinner.)

long story short - about 15 minutes before the party started i got the call. i could tell when i heard the adoption counselors voice that we weren't chosen :(  she said lots of nice things after telling me no...but i had pretty much tuned her out. all i could hear was no. 

i prayed for strength and continued on greeting folks as they arrived for the party. 

i knew i had to tell jay and my parents who were both there. that was the hardest part. somehow i made it through those conversations without losing it. of course they all had the perfect words. dad even reminded me of the perfect job God did with vasa & not to give up.  jay finally seemed to understand the hurt that comes with a no. he was sad. it hurts. 

i did sit down with jay for a few minutes and cry. but kids were running up to say hello so i choked up my tears and put on a smile. (with Gods grace.)

the rest of the night - i can hardly remember. i know i danced, laughed, ate, and talked to some of my favorite folks in the world but i doubt i was loads of fun!  

the MINUTE i got in my car i burst into tears. it felt so good to get it out. i mean nasty crying...snot, red nose, puffy eyes...bad. i pulled over to text sweet dianna cash to tell her i wasnt sure i could do this anymore. (she understands the adoption emotions.)  

then (for the last time of the night) i pulled it together one last time to help unload cars at the TA office. bonus = it was dark. so nobody ever knew i was a snotty/crying mess.

i came home to the sweetest email from dianna and from the adoption counselor from texas. i am beyond thankful for those two ladies.

i won't lie...i cried with jay and took 2 tylenol pm's so i could sleep hard. (which i didnt.)

wednesday the Lord gave me GREAT, sincere, heart-bursting JOY for the couple that was chosen. i found out they'd been shown 10 times already. ahhh, they so deserved this precious baby boy. i couldn't (even if i tried) be a grump. i was so happy for them.

the tylenol pm didnt do its job tuesday night but whew...it worked wednesday night!! i slept hard and for 12 hours. i woke up and jumped into my running shoes and seriously...had the worst run i've had in months. i think it was the drugs & the fact that i skipped running 2 days in a row. i'm ashamed to admit i said a bad word at mile 6 and almost cried on mile 8. but i finished my 10 and went home for breakfast (which was really brunch by this point.) 

dont worry - i'm not going to write all about yesterday & today. except to say that i got to spend a couple hours with vasa this morning. it was so very good for my heart.

when i arrived he stood in the chair & said "vasa's buddy!!" we sat & watched tv together for a few minutes. he must've hugged me 5 times, kissed me and told me he loved me. that NEVER gets old. 

(he also asked if i'd just taken a shower. hahaha i was ashamed to admit it was sweat from step class...to which he replied "yucky!")

we played with cars, jumped on the bed (ahh sorry claire), ran around the house doing piggyback rides, HE put on his socks & tennis shoes all by himself, and we played soccer in the backyard. then uncle jay came by and we walked around the neighborhood. he kept saying "my uncle jay." it was sweet. jay kept telling him he was proud to be his uncle and would be forever. such a sweet smile came across vasa's face every time :)

then i must admit - i cried. vasa was up on jays shoulders and we were talking & walking. then we sang "jesus loves me." all 3 of us sang it...and i cried. hearing vasa sing those precious, simple, TRUE words completely healed the hurt of my week. 

God pulled the most loving, perfect, joyful, smart, funny, kid out of an orphanage in Russia "for such a time as this..."  esther 4:14 i am convinced.  

i love God and i love vasa.