lil bit about me

several years ago my niece asked me to share my testimony with her. this is what i shared with her. (keep in mind a lot has happened since...) but i've had some conversations lately that have reminded me i'm not alone is some of these struggles....

I grew up in an awesome, godly family. My parents love the Lord with all their hearts and have always been super examples for me and my brother. Their faith is awesome. I don’t take it for granted one bit! In fact, I think the reason I feel like it’s easy for me to understand Gods love is b/c of the way they have always loved me. They are my favorite friends!

As a young kid I accepted Christ and always wanted to know Him & please Him. I spent a lot of time in His Word and praying growing up. That foundation of faith has carried me through SOOOO much!

In high school some of my church friends all started changing a little. They started partying, got involved in dating relationships that weren’t the best, etc.

I didn’t fall into that mess. I am beyond thankful that God kept me from it. I know that was his grace. I spent a lot of weekends at home with my parents, sad & lonely, simply b/c I didn’t want to be around the partying and stuff that my friends were involved in. I’m not judging them…it just wasn’t how I wanted to be.

This went on through college too. I dated in high school some but when I started college I got some random, horrible throat thing and lost like 20 lbs in a week. (it was soooo bad. They almost hospitalized me b/c I was so dehydrated.)

Now keep in mind I was NOT trying to lose weight. I was just too sick to eat!

I was a chunk when I was younger and did NOT care one bit!! I was overweight for most of my childhood and it never really bothered me. I was so confident in myself that my size never phased me. It’s wild! I truly never thought about it. I just ate and loved life!

But after I lost the weight I got a lot of attention…from everyone! Not just guys.

But I still didn’t try to lose weight. I just was happy to be well!

In the meantime my childhood friends started turning their lives around. I was certainly excited about their lifestyle change but…

slowly they ALL (I’m NOT kidding) started dating/getting engaged/married to amazing Christian guys while I sat there…single!!  Oh. My. Word. I was soooo mad at God.

I could NOT believe he was just letting me sit there all alone while these girls who’d gone NUTS/partied/slept around were settling down and marrying strong Christian guys. (and asking me to be a bridesmaid & celebrate with them none-the-less!)

I’ll never forget the last straw. It was thanksgiving and my family was all piled in the car driving to my grandmothers when my phone rang. It was a friend. She’d just gotten engaged. She was soooooooooo excited. So I pretended to be too! Of course she wanted me to be in the wedding so I graciously said yes like I was happy!

My mom knew I was devastated. I mean of course I was thrilled for them but I was beyond pissed at God. So I spent that thanksgiving not thanking Him for one dang thing. Ohhhh I was mad.

But he so kindly/gently spoke to me in my anger. He reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. I wasn’t the younger son who ran away…I was the bitter older son who stayed home. The story is in Luke 15:11-32 if you want a refresher.

Anyway he told me that I was “wasting the inheritance I had of a relationship with Him.” I may not have wandered off and squandered all my inheritance but I was certainly taking for granted the awesome relationship that God and I had been building all those years!

So I quit complaining (for the most part) and got over myself.  That was 2001 I think.

mmk...soon enters JAY! I loved him from the minute I saw his face in the CCC newsletter announcing he was coming to our church. I just loved his smile. I knew he’d be important to me.

My mom even told my dad the first Sunday he shared at church that “he was someone she could trust her daughter’s heart with.”  How cute.

He and I didn’t really become friends for a while. Like august 2003ish. But I saw the girls he dated and I KNEW I didn’t look like them.

They were beautiful & TINY.

Jay and I started hanging out in groups a lot and I heard him and other strong Christian men make comments about girls that were NOT beautiful & tiny. Sooo…

I wanted to be that. Not just to “get jay” but just because I thought it would make my life better. (enter the DEVIL!)  so I started dieting and working out like mad!

I also made the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE at this point. I had been begging God to let me be with jay. He kindly told me no. but I refused to hear that. So I told him 2 things (that messed me up for YEARS!!!) #1 – I have to be in control of what I eat. You can’t have that area of my life b/c I am the one who puts food in my mouth…so back off God. I’ve got this.   #2 – I will get jay no matter what you say.

Can we say POOR CHOICE??????

It was healthy in the beginning. I wasn’t crazy about it. but after a growing closer (as friends) with jay I knew he loved me…I just figured the ONLY reason we were “just friends” was because of my weight.

So that sent me on a downward spiral. I opened that door and let the devil convince me that I had to be perfect. He took me from a confident, totally God-centered/focused girl to a selfish/self-consumed girl. It was horrible. He had me convinced my only worth was in my weight, that if I wasn’t “perfect” I couldn’t be happy, and that the only way I’d ever get married was to be TINY.

Now, keep in mind I was totally dating during all this! Guys who loved me, encouraged me and thought I was perfect (no matter my size!) but I wanted jay and thought I had to be “perfect” to get his attention.

So after all this mess – I did lose weight. Finally got down to a size I thought was good and low & behold jay wanted to date!?!! That totally jacked me up!!

Disclaimer…it was NOT jays fault. I was the one who let satan get a foothold. I got myself in this mess!!!

So we got married. I was still crazy about diet/exercise. The devil had me convinced at this point that losing weight was the ONLY thing I was “good at.” So I had to keep it up!

After our first married Christmas (2006) I buckled down to lose the last pesky 10 lbs or so and dropped like 30. then things got WORSE! I know, you’d think they would’ve gotten better. But nope. Then the devil had me convinced the only way I could STAY that little was to be CONSUMED with diet/exercise.

I quit hanging out with friends b/c I was scared of what food might be around. I didn’t go to parties, I hated being anywhere that I wasn’t in control of the food. I certainly would NOT miss a workout. Oh nooooo. So I didn’t want to travel or go anywhere that I couldn’t exercise. Yes, it completely controlled my life.

I was like an alcoholic. I would just stay away from alcohol “food” completely…so I wouldn’t be tempted. BC sometimes when I let myself have a “drink” (aka bite!) I would eat NONSTOP.

But thanks to Gods AMAZING GRACE…I never purged or quit eating all together. Whew that would’ve been a mess.

Notice who I haven’t mentioned lately, yep, God. I had just turned my back on him. I was going to be with jay and be skinny and that’s ALL that mattered.

My self-worth was completely caught up in the way I looked. (so ashamed to admit!)

I quit having a period because I had like 2% body fat. I couldn’t even function as a woman! (I STILL haven’t had a period since December 2006…hence adoption.)

I quit wanting to be with friends & family. I was TERRIFIED to travel. It was everything I feared…lots of food & no control!

I jacked up my hormones and therefore ended up having to take medicine for depression & had to go to counseling.

I was at rock bottom. So I spent 6 years chasing a SIZE/a # on the scale!! It destroyed me.

I’m just NOW (like the past couple of years) started to let go of this foolishness and (again) find my worth in Christ.

I wasted YEARS chasing the things of this world. I HATE HATE HATE that I did that. I hate it for jay, my family, jays family, my TA girls, everyone around me.

God’s mercy is relentless. I am so grateful. I love that He never quit loving me through all that crap. He stayed patient. He also gave me an unbelievable husband who loved me unconditionally even when I was at my worst.