it really is strange...this anxiety

y'all. anxiety sucks.

i've never dealt with anything like this in my life.

since last november i have had dizzy spells, lightheadedness, some nausea and felt off balance. do you KNOW how annoying that is??????

when i'm brushing my teeth i feel like i'm going to fall forward. even sitting here now i feel heavy headed and just not myself.

i don't feel stressed. i do NOT sit around and think about terrible things or "what ifs" or worry about my life so it frustrates me that i have to deal with the physical symptoms.

i sure do wish i understood why.

i feel like a bad christian. like i should be able to pray past this! but it's still hanging around.

i am taking medication and i guess it helps some.

i do covet prayers. i want so badly to feel like myself again!!!

dealing with something like anxiety is lonely. i sometimes get jealous that other people just "feel normal" and can go on about their lives doing whatever they want to do.

i still do my normal activities but i never know when i may get lightheaded or feel off balance. i have gotten to a place where i can remind myself i don't have a brain tumor or something terribly wrong and i can calm myself down. the stupid physical symptoms stay with me but i just do my best to ignore them.

i PROMISE i have tried every bit of advice i've been given. i do the breathing exercises, i exercise, i eat healthy, i stay away from caffeine, etc. but the symptoms are here.

it's no fun. i TOTALLY understand that i have a great life and that people deal with much worse. i just wanted to share what i've been dealing with and why i haven't blogged as often!

now on to more exciting things:

i love love love my job with Jeeahs Hope. if you ever want a glimpse of Heaven, come to a JH event. seeing those precious kids playing together is AMAZING. join us in October for our fall festival :)

i am BEYOND excited that college football is like 3 weeks away. it's truly the most wonderful time of the year.

i'm ready for long sleeved t-shirts and shorts for my morning runs.

i'm ready for scarves and boots. but NOT stupid cold!

i'm not one of those i need pumpkin everything people...but i do love the colors of fall and the smell of pumpkin candles and pie :)

i love seeing family more often around the holidays.

i LOVE watching football every saturday with my boys. LOVE it. i basically spend saturdays in my pjs.

i love decorating for Christmas in November....oh yes. i start at thanksgiving and sometimes before. don't judge.

i hope that maybe cooler weather will help with some of my anxiety stuff. i don't know if the heat and humidity makes it worse but i sure am ready for that mess to BE GONE.

i really would love to live somewhere that has less humidity or none. :)

i am praying about finding another part time job. i am working PT for Jeeah's Hope but i think another PT job would be fun and help with our family income (for sure!)

let me know if you know of anything! i'd need something kinda flexible. i do want to be able to be with G when i need to. i also will have JH meetings and stuff so i'd need to be able to do that when necessary. i know, sounds like finding another job may be complicated.

do you know what my dream job is?? do NOT laugh. but i would LOVE to be someones administrative assistant. i LOVE to keep things organized, i love to be busy, i love tangible tasks, i love helping people get things done. i am a hard worker that can get things done quickly! i know it sounds lame to be a "dream job" but i would love it.

sorry that this blog is a hodge podge of info. i'm just thinking out loud.

i kinda miss being thin. i know i'm not huge but i miss being able to fit in anything i want! but i am learning to find joy no matter what size i am. ...it's just less fun to try on clothes and please don't ask me to wear a bathing suit.

i'll end with some happy thoughts...

- i have some fantastic friends that have loved me and walked me through this anxiety crap. i am so thankful. and one AMAZING Aunt who has listened and loved me non-stop. oh and ashley wright and bobbie fleenor too. I know i drove them nuts with questions in the beginning!

- i have a fantastic husband too. he's patient when i'm struggling or just not feeling so great. he makes me laugh so hard. that's my favorite.

- gabe is the coolest kid ever. simple truth.

- i have been eating breakfast on the porch every morning (sometimes with my boys and Ellen!) and i LOVE it. it's relaxing and keeps me from watching TV for no reason.

- Oh, and Ellen is living in our upstairs bedroom/loft area. i LOVE having her here. it's like having a girl friend to giggle and share life with and my boys who are my heart. too fun. she's been a blast.

maybe my next blog will have a point!

this time i just wanted to share how bad anxiety is and at least say hey :)

pray for me! and let me know if you think of a job for me!