learning a lot and loving it (mostly)

the past several months i have been learning a lot about myself, God and life in general. some if it is fun and some of it has been a tad more disciplinary stuff from God.

first of all, i learned NOT to make fun of people for things. here are a few examples i used to make fun of friends and family for:

- getting carsick. i thought this was all a ploy to get to ride shotgun. NOW i know this mess is legit. and i have to take lots of dramamine and tummy drops to go on trips. dangit.

- having acid reflux or heartburn. i thought people were being dramatic and that it couldn't possibly be that bad. NOW i know that mess is evil. i've had to start taking zantac so i won't feel like food is caught in my throat all day & night. dangit.

- blaming a medication for causing them to gain weight. i always thought that was ridiculous. i would think "that medicine is NOT making you put food in your mouth." LAWD was i wrong. the meds they put me on for anxiety have caused me to gain 12 lbs. 12 folks. and i still workout 6 days a week (hard!) and eat very healthy. dangit.

so moral of this story....i either need to make fun of people for being rich and skinny or shut my mouth :) ha.

today i went to a funeral for a friends mom. i learned a few things while i was there as well. i'm sure i will forget some lessons but i sure hope this blog will help me remember at least a few things.

- i learned that i DO have a spiritual gift!!! i have always said that God forgot to give me a talent. that may be true but He did give me a gift. and it is loving people. i genuinely care about people. HE created me as a thoughtful person who desires to serve others and make people feel loved. lots, LOTS of times i fail at that but it is something that comes natural to me.

y'all PLEASE know i am not saying that to brag on myself. whew, no. that's not my heart.

but as i sat and listened to Kelli talk about her mom and how she LOVED people i thought...i try to do that!

her mom prayed for people, cooked for them (ok, i don't do that but i can have something delivered in a heartbeat!) i don't to bake either but He gave me my friend Madison Montgomery who will bake anything for me to give to others in need anytime i ask! that's her gift that i get to enjoy :)

God does put people on my heart and most of the time i am faithful to follow through with what i feel like He wants me to do. it could be a simple as a text, a hand written letter or even a meal.

several years ago i decided to write someone a letter every day of my life. i still try to do that. and i love it.

but you know what He's really teaching me in all this...

- that my size has nothing to do with the kind of friend i am.

DISCLAIMER: y'all know it's no secret that i have struggled with self-image. putting on an extra 12 lbs since taking medicine hasn't helped too much. although, i will say, by the grace of God i am handling it WAYYYYYY better than the old kaci would have. it's just discouraging when your clothes are tight and ill-fitting. y'all know!

- that my friends don't need a "skinny" kaci to love on them, pray for them or simply ask how their day was.

- that G doesn't need a "skinny" mom to teach him about God, life, manners, to laugh with, read with, cry with, etc. he simply needs me.

- that my friends don't need a "skinny" kaci to listen to them. to walk through the good and crappy parts of life with. they need me. (and i need THEM, just as they are!)

God designed me. He created ALL of me. even the physical me. and He knew what my body would be like in every stage of life. BUT He also created my heart and mind.

He created me to love and care about the people in my life. and they don't need a friend who is so caught up in how good she used to look in the dress that is currently riding up her bigger thighs (ha!) they need a friend that is so focused on Christ that all I can see is THEM. their hurts, their joys, their life.

Lord forgive me for being so ridiculous. THANK you for creating me the way you did. thank you for giving me a heart that loves others. i won't complain (very often) that i got skipped on talent.

He gave me one more sweet reminder that my size doesn't decide my worth...

my sweet friend came into the funeral and she was very sad. she's one of those friends that i hardly ever see but when we talk through text or fb or see each other it's like we never skipped a day. don't you love & appreciate those friends???? she can make me laugh like no other. we have so many memories of laughter, sadness, struggles, fears, joys, etc. she's a true gift.

but she came in carrying some past hurt. she was at the funeral because Mrs. Williams had loved her and shown her forgiveness during a very dark time in her life.

before she came in i was sitting there thinking how big my legs and stomach looked in the dress i was wearing. but as soon as she sat down...NONE of that mattered to me (and ya know what...HER!)

ALL that mattered was making sure she felt loved, safe, and God's grace. and it doesn't matter if my dress was a size 0 or a size 40. she simply needed a friend.

oh i hope this makes sense. but i have spent a LOT of years worrying about my weight. (i know, its vein and fleshy) but I pray that God will keep my heart so in tuned with His that OTHER people are my focus and not my freaking selfish self.

Lord help me to love like YOU. help me to keep my eyes on things that matter instead of worldly things that will certainly fade away.

don't get me wrong. being healthy is very important! and i will continue to eat healthy and exercise because i LOVE it. but all i can do is my best and move on... and keep moving my focus to Him and others.