i'mma just be real...

i would absolutely be lying if i said i am not struggling with my size/weight right now. i know some folks may roll their eyes or even get frustrated with me for that. but i'm just being real.

i AM thankful for the freedom i have been living in. i do feel more free than i have in years. but i'm having a hard time knowing when i'm simply being free or if i'm just chunkin' up!?

i gained a solid 20 lbs in about a year and a half. i struggled in the beginning with some of that weight but felt like i was in a comfortable/healthy place.

lately though LAWD have mercy. nothing fits. nothing. if i want to breathe or not feel like i have an inner tube around my waist i have to wear a flowy dress.

jeans, not happening. shorts, even workout shorts, tight. ewwwww.

for most people (normal people) there are 2 options: buy bigger clothes or simply cut back on what they eat or workout more. for me, who has been in a very unhealthy mindset with diet/exercise i feel like i don't know how to cut back in a "normal" way. i guess i feel like it's all or nothing.

ugh. i know that's not true. i just feel kinda torn. i do NOT want to go  back to being controlling over my food. i hated that life. hated it.

this morning i thought...just get bigger pants! which is fine. but then when do you draw the line and say "enough is enough."

eww. i cannot believe i am even typing this. i may never really post it. i'm too ashamed of myself.

sometimes i have to remind myself that NO ONE ELSE CARES what i look like. nor do they notice if i have some back fat...

Lord give me wisdom, TRUTH, and help me continue to live in freedom...no matter the pants size. Help me to stop comparing myself to other girls and/or my "old" thin self. I do know that is not the life you want me to live or are pleased with. Sorry I'm so lame and get caught up in the same ol mess sometimes.

let's talk about happier things.....wanna?

here's some fun things about G these days:
- he sometimes wipes off my kisses (i do it back to him) which makes me laugh. AND then it means i get more kisses bc he thinks its funny that i get "upset"

- he has certain words that we ADORE hearing him say. here are some for ya... pallow (pillow), bantana (antenna), gowiaf (goliath), birthday mom (birth mom). siri (serious)

- last week i was working out upstairs and he said "i can do that too." so i was showing him how to hold a plank position. he tried it and said, "i dont have time to exercise, i need to play with my trains." hahaha

- sometimes he will tell me that whatever he just ate or drank "went in his mouth, down his froat and down to his penis." okkkkkk......

- cracks me up to hear him say "suck it up buttercup"

- every morning he asks if we get to hang out all day. i love that. :)

- every day since i had surgery he has asked if i'm feeling alright AND reminds me that he can take care of me. love it.

- he sings a lot when he's playing. it's precious.

- he adores his daddy. as he should! jay enjoys chasing G with his remote control car. i can't lie it's funny. G loves it.

- he loves loves loves vasa. as well as his umple josh and aunt pwaire. he tells siri to call/text them almost daily.

- he really is smart. he must get that from his birth parents :)  take that kid somewhere ONCE and he will remember it. he will be able to tell you who he went there with and what for, etc. it's wild.

in other happy news, i am reading a FANTASTIC book entitled, "Misfits Welcome" by Matthew Barnett. i was reading it at lunch yesterday (by myself outside at jasons deli...so nice!) and the bus boy stopped and asked me what i was reading. i told him. he asked if i'd lift him up in prayer sometime. i told him i'd LOVE to. i've prayed for Toby several times. feel free to join me :)

i am really, really praying for a beach trip sometime soon. oh i love the beach. if i can find an affordable spot we are GOING. i love the calm, peacefulness of the beach. i love being with my family away from the norm. here's hoping we'll get something planned!

i need a tan too. lawd.

well, as embarrassed as i am i guess i'll post this.

i hope y'all will love me anyway. yikes.