never would've guessed it.
so back in november i started having some strange health issues. i've talked about them before. dizzy, lightheaded, etc. not vertigo room spinning kinda stuff. but random moments of lightheadedness...feeling like my brain was falling inside my head. weird, i know.
i also felt nauseous often. but not enough to keep me from eating ;)
i went to my regular doctor and they tried treating my symptoms and started testing me for everything.
i took zofran for nausea.
meclazine (sp?) for vertigo.
i took stuff for heart burn and acid reflux.
they did an ultra-sound of my organs....stomach, gall bladder, lungs, kidneys, etc.
had my gall bladder removed. b/c ya know, maybe that's it?! i did have stones and sludge. gross.
still the symptoms continued.
ok, so we moved forward a little and had an MRI done. came out normal. (thank the Lord.)
but the symptoms remained.
it was/is depressing. it's hard to want to drive or go anywhere when you aren't sure how you're going to feel. it's lonely. it makes you feel like you are going crazy. no joke.
ok so next we decide to check my thyroid. i did have numbers that showed under active thyroid in the past so we thought we'd check that AGAIN.
so, nope. not my thyroid. still going back for one more test there.
well, let's check my heart. so...i went to the cardiologist. they did an EKG, and echo-cardiogram and a stress test. all came back normal. ohhhh and i wore that obnoxious heart rate monitor for 24 hours. LAWD, that thing was annoying and huge.
ok so then i was sent to a neurologist. Dr Khan, i hate to name names....but i do NOT recommend him.
no joke, i almost laughed in his office. he would ask me one question. i'd answer with like half a sentence and he would type for like 3 mins. i swear he was emailing his wife or something and not even paying attention to me. it could'v been an episode of seinfeld.
he did the normal neurology tests and then had an EEG done on me. that was so weird.
sooooooooo next i went to my obgyn. not really because i thought he could figure me out. but because he is, hands down, my favorite doctor in the world. he cares about his patients and it shows. he is a godly man. i trust him and he's always been honest with me. even when i didn't listen....(cough cough) when he told me to gain weight...
i went to him KINDA hoping we could blame my hormones. but he said all my blood work said they were normal. dang, can't blame those, for once.
he was very sweet. he said he thought it was time i go somewhere else for answers. he recommended Emory. i tried SO hard not to fall apart in his office. i was scared, nervous and sad that i had to go to another doctor and Emory...?! that was scary.
i asked him if i needed a referral. he said yes. he said, let me see if i can refer you...i've never done that. so he went and talked to his nurse. i prayed that i wouldn't cry in his office...
he came back quickly and said, well that was easy! my nurse will call you with an appointment. then he gave me a hug (side hug!) and told me he was praying for me. again, almost lost it.
so i left.
i held it together until i got in my car. then i LOST it. i called jay crying like an idiot and told him i was being sent to Emory. we were both super thankful but the whole thing scared me.
i promise y'all i trust the Lord. but i was so worn out by this point.
speaking of trusting God. my original appointment with Emory was scheduled for the end of may. then i got a call at 4:50 on a monday afternoon in mid may. it was Emory. the nurse said they had an opening and wanted to see if i was interested in coming up early. YES PLEASE! i was so excited. so i asked when...she said, tomorrow morning at 8:30am. what?!
ahh! so i said yes. then i said, oh wait, i haven't gotten results from my EEG. won't he want that before i come? she said probably. so i said, "dang, please keep me on the list in case someone else cancels and in the meantime i'll call Dr Khan and see if i can get my results sooner."
so i hung up and called Dr Khan. she pulled up my name and said "oh we have your results."
pause - ok then WHY were they going to make me wait another week to come BACK to get those results only to be told they were normal. so i would pay my $60 copay? lawd.
anyway, she was sweet and said she'd fax them to Dr Bernstein at Emory.
so i called back to Emory. the answering service answered. i was so sad. i asked if maybe the nurse was still there since she had JUST called. ugh. oh well. i got their fax # and told the Lord i trusted His timing.
no lie, about 20 mins later a number from arkansas popped up on my phone. i never answer (in general) but much less an out of town number. but i did.
y'all, it was the nurse! she said she heard i had called back and she put me down for 8:30 am the next morning.
YAY!
so i called my mom and told her i'd need help with g since we needed to leave at like 5:30am.
i'll spare you ALL the details of the morning of and skip to the appt at Emory.
we arrived right on time. ok wait, i do have to tell you that jay and i laughed like idiots in the waiting room. this old man was filling out his paperwork and he took it back up to the desk and said, "sorry i didn't finish i got writers cramp."
we lost it. like idiots. like wiping tears. the nurses didn't even smile.
ok, so they call me back. in walks this old man who i immediately trust and kinda want to hug. is that creepy?
he came in and said, "hey kaci. so nice to meet you. i don't want you to start describing your symptoms. i just want you to answer my questions."
ok...
i said, yes sir! but then immediately handed him the dvd of my MRI. which he said, "i don't need to see it. it's normal right?"
so then he pulls out some paper and starts drawing graphs. he started asking me things about my life. like how often i get headaches, etc. i was thinking (at first) you aren't asking the right questions!
then he asked about my sleep habits. he asked if i fall asleep fast. yeah normally within 30 mins of going to bed. then he asked if i wake up during the night. i said, almost every night. his response was "and you are awake for at least an hour, right?" YES. then he asked what time i typically wake up. and before i said anything he wrote down "4am" and i said, "yes! somewhere in the 4am hour."
so then he said, "i already know whats wrong with you."
so he told me to get up on the doctors table thing... what is that called?
he did all the normal neurology stuff. THEN he did the most interesting part of this whole journey for me!
he pulled out a mirror and told me to hold it. so i did. he took his little reflex checker thing and hit me (gently) in the side of my face...kinda just under my cheek bone.
y'all. i couldn't do it right now if i tried...but when he hit my left cheek the right side of my upper lip did an Elvis move. no lie. it curled up like crazy.
he must've hit me 8 times and every time it did it.
he said if he'd done that to someone that wasn't dealing with high anxiety their lip/face would NOT move.
what?! that is so weird. i really wanted to ask if i could hit him in the face just to see. but i refrained.
SOOOOOOOOOOO long story short, i have anxiety.
i didn't want to tell anyone for several reasons:
1. what? i do not feel anxious.
2. it's a tad embarrassing. like i can't handle my life or something. i have a great life!
3. i felt like a bad christian. like i don't trust God enough.
he took jay and i in his office and explained all kinds of smart people stuff to us. but the paperwork he gave us did mention every one of my symptoms.
except for swaying like i'm on a boat. that's the WORST. it's what i deal with mostly.
again, i will spare you the extra details but i did try to deal with it on my own. i did try praying through it, being prayed over, talking to a counselor (which i will do!) and more.
bottom line, i cannot live with the physical symptoms of anxiety.
i don't feel stressed. but i DO feel the physical symptoms and it's unbearable.
here's what the physical symptoms are have been for me:
- feeling off balance
- yes, i constantly feel like i'm rocking on a boat.
- heat is a terrible trigger for me. it makes all of my symptoms worse. ugh. GA summers...no good!
- headaches
- did i mention i sway/rock even laying down? yes. it's that bad.
- i think i have only had 2 anxiety "attacks" and they were TERRIBLE.
Dr Bernstein (at Emory) did make me feel better. he told me that.....
- my physical symptoms are REAL!! i am not making these things up! they are real and i am not crazy :)
- that anxiety can be hormonal, environmental and/or hereditary
- that i cannot control my symptoms. they are involuntary.
that made me feel better because that (at least helped!) take away the sting of thinking i was doing something wrong. or this was my fault.
after weeks of texting my nurse/pharmacist friends and praying i did decide to start taking the medication he prescribed. and talking to a family member that deals with anxiety....gosh, love you so much.
i'm only on day 3. i PRAY this will help. i pray i won't have to keep trying different drugs. (i didn't mention i have tried 3 others but they all made me feel high. not that i've ever been high...)
but i realized without medication i couldn't function :( the rocking on a boat had taken over my life.
here's a few things i've learned:
- trusting God doesn't mean we can't ask for help....or take help when its offered.
- prayer is powerful
- life is precious. feeling "normal" and being able to function normally daily is something i hope i NEVER take for granted. it's been a long time since i've simply felt myself...no symptoms.
- that my mom is one tough woman! she has been so helpful through this. ALL of my family has
- we never know what people may be dealing with! it makes me want to really stop and ask people how they are doing and how i can be praying for them...and stop then to pray!
i could go on.
this is, by far, the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. i DO NOT feel anxious. i don't feel stressed. but the physical symptoms of anxiety prove to me that somewhere in there i'm anxious!
so i am asking the Lord to show me places in my life that may trigger it or make me anxious/stressed.
but i'm also thanking Him for modern medicine (trust me, i tried the herbal stuff too.) and for Doctors, friends, family and folks that simply care!
so, no shame up in here! i have anxiety. and if you've ever dealt with it at this level (or any level) i am so sorry. it is NO JOKE.
believing for quick relief. amen!?
i also felt nauseous often. but not enough to keep me from eating ;)
i went to my regular doctor and they tried treating my symptoms and started testing me for everything.
i took zofran for nausea.
meclazine (sp?) for vertigo.
i took stuff for heart burn and acid reflux.
they did an ultra-sound of my organs....stomach, gall bladder, lungs, kidneys, etc.
had my gall bladder removed. b/c ya know, maybe that's it?! i did have stones and sludge. gross.
still the symptoms continued.
ok, so we moved forward a little and had an MRI done. came out normal. (thank the Lord.)
but the symptoms remained.
it was/is depressing. it's hard to want to drive or go anywhere when you aren't sure how you're going to feel. it's lonely. it makes you feel like you are going crazy. no joke.
ok so next we decide to check my thyroid. i did have numbers that showed under active thyroid in the past so we thought we'd check that AGAIN.
so, nope. not my thyroid. still going back for one more test there.
well, let's check my heart. so...i went to the cardiologist. they did an EKG, and echo-cardiogram and a stress test. all came back normal. ohhhh and i wore that obnoxious heart rate monitor for 24 hours. LAWD, that thing was annoying and huge.
ok so then i was sent to a neurologist. Dr Khan, i hate to name names....but i do NOT recommend him.
no joke, i almost laughed in his office. he would ask me one question. i'd answer with like half a sentence and he would type for like 3 mins. i swear he was emailing his wife or something and not even paying attention to me. it could'v been an episode of seinfeld.
he did the normal neurology tests and then had an EEG done on me. that was so weird.
sooooooooo next i went to my obgyn. not really because i thought he could figure me out. but because he is, hands down, my favorite doctor in the world. he cares about his patients and it shows. he is a godly man. i trust him and he's always been honest with me. even when i didn't listen....(cough cough) when he told me to gain weight...
i went to him KINDA hoping we could blame my hormones. but he said all my blood work said they were normal. dang, can't blame those, for once.
he was very sweet. he said he thought it was time i go somewhere else for answers. he recommended Emory. i tried SO hard not to fall apart in his office. i was scared, nervous and sad that i had to go to another doctor and Emory...?! that was scary.
i asked him if i needed a referral. he said yes. he said, let me see if i can refer you...i've never done that. so he went and talked to his nurse. i prayed that i wouldn't cry in his office...
he came back quickly and said, well that was easy! my nurse will call you with an appointment. then he gave me a hug (side hug!) and told me he was praying for me. again, almost lost it.
so i left.
i held it together until i got in my car. then i LOST it. i called jay crying like an idiot and told him i was being sent to Emory. we were both super thankful but the whole thing scared me.
i promise y'all i trust the Lord. but i was so worn out by this point.
speaking of trusting God. my original appointment with Emory was scheduled for the end of may. then i got a call at 4:50 on a monday afternoon in mid may. it was Emory. the nurse said they had an opening and wanted to see if i was interested in coming up early. YES PLEASE! i was so excited. so i asked when...she said, tomorrow morning at 8:30am. what?!
ahh! so i said yes. then i said, oh wait, i haven't gotten results from my EEG. won't he want that before i come? she said probably. so i said, "dang, please keep me on the list in case someone else cancels and in the meantime i'll call Dr Khan and see if i can get my results sooner."
so i hung up and called Dr Khan. she pulled up my name and said "oh we have your results."
pause - ok then WHY were they going to make me wait another week to come BACK to get those results only to be told they were normal. so i would pay my $60 copay? lawd.
anyway, she was sweet and said she'd fax them to Dr Bernstein at Emory.
so i called back to Emory. the answering service answered. i was so sad. i asked if maybe the nurse was still there since she had JUST called. ugh. oh well. i got their fax # and told the Lord i trusted His timing.
no lie, about 20 mins later a number from arkansas popped up on my phone. i never answer (in general) but much less an out of town number. but i did.
y'all, it was the nurse! she said she heard i had called back and she put me down for 8:30 am the next morning.
YAY!
so i called my mom and told her i'd need help with g since we needed to leave at like 5:30am.
i'll spare you ALL the details of the morning of and skip to the appt at Emory.
we arrived right on time. ok wait, i do have to tell you that jay and i laughed like idiots in the waiting room. this old man was filling out his paperwork and he took it back up to the desk and said, "sorry i didn't finish i got writers cramp."
we lost it. like idiots. like wiping tears. the nurses didn't even smile.
ok, so they call me back. in walks this old man who i immediately trust and kinda want to hug. is that creepy?
he came in and said, "hey kaci. so nice to meet you. i don't want you to start describing your symptoms. i just want you to answer my questions."
ok...
i said, yes sir! but then immediately handed him the dvd of my MRI. which he said, "i don't need to see it. it's normal right?"
so then he pulls out some paper and starts drawing graphs. he started asking me things about my life. like how often i get headaches, etc. i was thinking (at first) you aren't asking the right questions!
then he asked about my sleep habits. he asked if i fall asleep fast. yeah normally within 30 mins of going to bed. then he asked if i wake up during the night. i said, almost every night. his response was "and you are awake for at least an hour, right?" YES. then he asked what time i typically wake up. and before i said anything he wrote down "4am" and i said, "yes! somewhere in the 4am hour."
so then he said, "i already know whats wrong with you."
so he told me to get up on the doctors table thing... what is that called?
he did all the normal neurology stuff. THEN he did the most interesting part of this whole journey for me!
he pulled out a mirror and told me to hold it. so i did. he took his little reflex checker thing and hit me (gently) in the side of my face...kinda just under my cheek bone.
y'all. i couldn't do it right now if i tried...but when he hit my left cheek the right side of my upper lip did an Elvis move. no lie. it curled up like crazy.
he must've hit me 8 times and every time it did it.
he said if he'd done that to someone that wasn't dealing with high anxiety their lip/face would NOT move.
what?! that is so weird. i really wanted to ask if i could hit him in the face just to see. but i refrained.
SOOOOOOOOOOO long story short, i have anxiety.
i didn't want to tell anyone for several reasons:
1. what? i do not feel anxious.
2. it's a tad embarrassing. like i can't handle my life or something. i have a great life!
3. i felt like a bad christian. like i don't trust God enough.
he took jay and i in his office and explained all kinds of smart people stuff to us. but the paperwork he gave us did mention every one of my symptoms.
except for swaying like i'm on a boat. that's the WORST. it's what i deal with mostly.
again, i will spare you the extra details but i did try to deal with it on my own. i did try praying through it, being prayed over, talking to a counselor (which i will do!) and more.
bottom line, i cannot live with the physical symptoms of anxiety.
i don't feel stressed. but i DO feel the physical symptoms and it's unbearable.
here's what the physical symptoms are have been for me:
- feeling off balance
- yes, i constantly feel like i'm rocking on a boat.
- heat is a terrible trigger for me. it makes all of my symptoms worse. ugh. GA summers...no good!
- headaches
- did i mention i sway/rock even laying down? yes. it's that bad.
- i think i have only had 2 anxiety "attacks" and they were TERRIBLE.
Dr Bernstein (at Emory) did make me feel better. he told me that.....
- my physical symptoms are REAL!! i am not making these things up! they are real and i am not crazy :)
- that anxiety can be hormonal, environmental and/or hereditary
- that i cannot control my symptoms. they are involuntary.
that made me feel better because that (at least helped!) take away the sting of thinking i was doing something wrong. or this was my fault.
after weeks of texting my nurse/pharmacist friends and praying i did decide to start taking the medication he prescribed. and talking to a family member that deals with anxiety....gosh, love you so much.
i'm only on day 3. i PRAY this will help. i pray i won't have to keep trying different drugs. (i didn't mention i have tried 3 others but they all made me feel high. not that i've ever been high...)
but i realized without medication i couldn't function :( the rocking on a boat had taken over my life.
here's a few things i've learned:
- trusting God doesn't mean we can't ask for help....or take help when its offered.
- prayer is powerful
- life is precious. feeling "normal" and being able to function normally daily is something i hope i NEVER take for granted. it's been a long time since i've simply felt myself...no symptoms.
- that my mom is one tough woman! she has been so helpful through this. ALL of my family has
- we never know what people may be dealing with! it makes me want to really stop and ask people how they are doing and how i can be praying for them...and stop then to pray!
i could go on.
this is, by far, the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. i DO NOT feel anxious. i don't feel stressed. but the physical symptoms of anxiety prove to me that somewhere in there i'm anxious!
so i am asking the Lord to show me places in my life that may trigger it or make me anxious/stressed.
but i'm also thanking Him for modern medicine (trust me, i tried the herbal stuff too.) and for Doctors, friends, family and folks that simply care!
so, no shame up in here! i have anxiety. and if you've ever dealt with it at this level (or any level) i am so sorry. it is NO JOKE.
believing for quick relief. amen!?
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