"I am not my own"

for over 10 years now i have struggled with (the nasty, sinful and vain) self-image. LONG story short it all started with a desire to lose a few pounds...

but i took it too far. i decided my worth was wrapped up in my size. i believed, truly believed, that my size determined my worth. there was a few reasons i think i believed that lie...

i'd heard MANY pastors/youth pastors and christians talk about how our character and inner beauty are what matter... (true!)

but as a young girl (well 20 something) i saw that even christian men wanted a beautiful and (what i thought was) perfect wife.

so i decided that i needed to be thin. and where i really went wrong was telling God that "i'd take this. i'd take control of this part of my life because after all He couldn't control what food i put in my mouth or how hard i exercised."

although i vividly remember Him telling me one morning while i was running that "He could give me something to complain about...He could throw my down on that sidewalk and jack me up!" (don't be hurt by that. it's how He and i communicate.)

i asked for forgiveness many years ago for telling Him i needed to be in control. but i kept picking up little pieces of my struggle over and over.

i feared gaining weight (even though at my lowest weight that is exactly what needed to happen) because i thought i meant i was a failure.

see, other than being the "funny one" i felt like i wasn't ever really known/acknowledged for much. but people noticed my weight loss. so to gain meant i wasn't good/known for anything.

we talked about the broken jar of validation i have carried around with me. being thin was never going to fill me. so no matter how hard i tried (or how thin i became) i would still feel empty. my jar was broken...

gross sin.

i know i've shared all of this before. so i'll spare any more details.

what i want you to know today is that God has SET ME FREE. and i mean it!!

last week i met with Pam (our pastors wife) and we talked through it ALL. we spent two hours talking about all the gross, embarrassing parts of this fleshy sin i've lived in.

we talked about how God used Lisa C and Jay to help me see the need to ask my body for forgiveness. we talked about the woman at the well. we talked about the scripture that says "we have been bought with a price. and we are not our own."

we laughed, i cried, we laughed, i cried. it was a beautiful hot mess.

then we prayed. during the prayer Pam asked me to see myself in the story of the woman at the well.

disclaimer: i'm not one for visions. but this was very real to me.

i saw myself lugging/dragging this broken jar towards the well. i looked PITIFUL y'all. He opened my eyes to see how pitiful i look trying to fill this place in my heart/mind with trying to be thin. every scoop of water looked to me like a long run or a workout to UA. ridiculous. because i could see the water leaking right out of my jug.and in the corner of my eye i noticed Jesus sitting there but i didn't look at him. i just began attempting to fill my broken jar. i saw the water spilling out of the cracks. and i was so worn down and pitiful.

then Pam spoke up and said "look up. look Jesus in the eye."

y'all. i lifted my head and saw the sweetest face. not an angry face. not a judgmental face. just Him. He wasn't the least bit upset with me. He simply asked (in the way He and i do...) "are you done? seriously? will you allow ME to fill you?" it was so freeing. i knew in my spirit He wasn't saying "stop running or working out." rather - let ME FILL YOU and then those things will just be overflow. they will be fun...not stressful or something you do out of putting pressure on yourself.

so i dropped that jar. y'all. i let HIM fill me with His living water. i am FULL. i am filled. i am FREE.

i wept.

Pam shared with me afterwards more about what knowing that "i am not my own" means.

you know what guys....i am NOT my own. i didn't create this body. HE did. sure, He wants me to take care of it. eat healthy and exercise but it is NOT MY OWN. it is not up to me what it looks like. He gets to decide that. HE is in control.

that has been so freeing to me! not once since thursday have i looked in the mirror with disgust. i don't grunt when i see myself. i simply say "i am not my own. i don't get to decide."

it may sound simple. it may sound silly. but i know i'm not the only one who has struggles. i am not the only one trying to fill a cracked jar.

i pray that we will all offer up our broken jars to Him and allow Him to make us whole, complete, filled with His living water. then whatever else gets poured in is just overflow :)

it is freeing to not put pressure on myself about my size. i can only do so much and then rest in what He created my body to be.

i don't walk around embarrassed or ashamed.

and when i'm tempted to be upset i simply look up...i look at His face sitting at the well and i have peace.

i pray that i will do that in every area of my life not just this nasty sin that has had its grip on me for far too long.

isn't God unbelievable? so kind. gentle. so REAL. gosh, i am thankful.

i challenge you to take a minute today and ask Him what you are lugging/dragging and trying to fill and allow Him to fill you instead. it will bring peace. i promise.