mom stuff
i dont feel like a "real mom" sometimes. is that weird? i feel like i'm faking it. i wonder if that's because gabe is adopted or if other first moms feel that way. i cried talking to my mom today about motherhood.
i saw on GMA that some women are born with the "mom gene" and others arent. i dont think i was born with it! i may have played with cabbage patch kids as a child but i never enjoyed babysitting or desired a house full of kids! i didnt daydream as a child of being a mom. NOT because my mom wasnt FABULOUS. she was...and IS.
but i had friends that only ever wanted to be a wife & mother. i never really understood that. i wanted to be a wife but i was ok without the motherhood part.
of course i LOVE being a mom now. i sometimes just feel like i'm more keeping him alive and laughing than teaching him important life skills.
i guess i shouldn't beat myself up. but today i have been. i want to think of creative things to do with gabe. i want to always be reading, teaching, etc. but most days i feel like we just play, sing and eat!
maybe it's because my mom IS so fabulous that i struggle!? ha! she is a teacher by trade so she's always coming up with grand ideas and simple things (as well) to teach gabe. like squirting the water hose in the front yard. never crossed my mind...?
ugh. i want to be the best for gabe. but today i dont feel that way.
jay was sweet to encourage me. he said i do have a motherly instinct. that i can see what gabe needs, that i do teach him (even when we're playing.) if nothing else, i do teach him words b/c i am always talking/singing with him. :)
i am also trying to fill his heart & mind with scripture. we sing/listen to scripture all the time. especially in the car.
he knows he's loved. i can rest in that.
maybe i'm too hard on myself. i've just been struggling/kinda sad lately wondering if i'm doing this right.
ALSO - i've been able to stay home with gabe a lot this week. that's been really good for me. i think i lose confidence in myself when i'm away from gabe. it's like i get reintroduced to him every weekend and then he becomes this stranger (not the right word...) to me mon - thurs when i'm so busy with work. does that make sense?
when we get to be together a lot i feel like i'm getting the hang of things but then when work takes me away i get timid, nervous even trying to parent.
ugh. i know this is a big jumbled mess of a blog. i just needed to get all that out i guess.
Lord help me to love gabe the way you love him. help me to be creative, unselfish and just the mom he needs.
hmm, in happier news....
marathon training is going well. ok sometimes it SUUUUUUUUUCKS but we're getting there!! it's tough to get those long runs in. but luckily i get my runs in before gabe gets up (most days.) he does get some sweet lizzie time on sundays. thats our REALLY long run day. i'd have to start at 5am to finish before g woke up, ha! this is definitely one of the toughest things i've ever done. but i like it. good physical and mental challenge.
about 3 months ago i started doing uncommon athlete. it is my FAVORITE workout ever. i've NEVER felt this good/strong. these guys definitely know what they're doing. each time i go i am challenged and leave feeling stronger. they focus on form so i dont worry about getting injured. they are super funny and really care about their clients. i can honestly say that i've never felt this good physically. my hips used to hurt and get tight. but now i feel strong and fit. my muscles dont ache (except in the good way!) and i actually feel like my workouts are WORKING!
i love uncommon athlete. love.love.love.
i'm almost 34. how did that happen?
i've worn makeup 3 days this week. what?
i honestly think i could eat every hour of the day. i really love to eat.
i have a new love for beef jerky. is that weird?
some man mistook (is that a word?) me for a lowe's employee the other night. i had on real clothes & makeup...no apron or nametag... i dont understand.
at least he didnt ask if gabe was my grandchild. i may never get over that.
my neighbor that i've only spoken to once brought gabe 4 books & a sweet note the other day. how dang sweet was that?? we read the books and i put the note in his love box. :) we also creeped on her porch and left a thank you note.
i woke up around 12:30am the other morning and watched honey boo-boo. i just needed to confess.
i wish i had a talent. like a legit one. i dont seem to know what mine is.
i love sun-dried tomatoes dd french vanilla coffee and reading peoples blogs.
i could eat my weight in frozen yogurt.
candy corn is crack to me.
i am still praying for some hand-me-downs. i need "new"clothes terribly.
my ears arent pierced.
i think i'm done for today :)
i saw on GMA that some women are born with the "mom gene" and others arent. i dont think i was born with it! i may have played with cabbage patch kids as a child but i never enjoyed babysitting or desired a house full of kids! i didnt daydream as a child of being a mom. NOT because my mom wasnt FABULOUS. she was...and IS.
but i had friends that only ever wanted to be a wife & mother. i never really understood that. i wanted to be a wife but i was ok without the motherhood part.
of course i LOVE being a mom now. i sometimes just feel like i'm more keeping him alive and laughing than teaching him important life skills.
i guess i shouldn't beat myself up. but today i have been. i want to think of creative things to do with gabe. i want to always be reading, teaching, etc. but most days i feel like we just play, sing and eat!
maybe it's because my mom IS so fabulous that i struggle!? ha! she is a teacher by trade so she's always coming up with grand ideas and simple things (as well) to teach gabe. like squirting the water hose in the front yard. never crossed my mind...?
ugh. i want to be the best for gabe. but today i dont feel that way.
jay was sweet to encourage me. he said i do have a motherly instinct. that i can see what gabe needs, that i do teach him (even when we're playing.) if nothing else, i do teach him words b/c i am always talking/singing with him. :)
i am also trying to fill his heart & mind with scripture. we sing/listen to scripture all the time. especially in the car.
he knows he's loved. i can rest in that.
maybe i'm too hard on myself. i've just been struggling/kinda sad lately wondering if i'm doing this right.
ALSO - i've been able to stay home with gabe a lot this week. that's been really good for me. i think i lose confidence in myself when i'm away from gabe. it's like i get reintroduced to him every weekend and then he becomes this stranger (not the right word...) to me mon - thurs when i'm so busy with work. does that make sense?
when we get to be together a lot i feel like i'm getting the hang of things but then when work takes me away i get timid, nervous even trying to parent.
ugh. i know this is a big jumbled mess of a blog. i just needed to get all that out i guess.
Lord help me to love gabe the way you love him. help me to be creative, unselfish and just the mom he needs.
hmm, in happier news....
marathon training is going well. ok sometimes it SUUUUUUUUUCKS but we're getting there!! it's tough to get those long runs in. but luckily i get my runs in before gabe gets up (most days.) he does get some sweet lizzie time on sundays. thats our REALLY long run day. i'd have to start at 5am to finish before g woke up, ha! this is definitely one of the toughest things i've ever done. but i like it. good physical and mental challenge.
about 3 months ago i started doing uncommon athlete. it is my FAVORITE workout ever. i've NEVER felt this good/strong. these guys definitely know what they're doing. each time i go i am challenged and leave feeling stronger. they focus on form so i dont worry about getting injured. they are super funny and really care about their clients. i can honestly say that i've never felt this good physically. my hips used to hurt and get tight. but now i feel strong and fit. my muscles dont ache (except in the good way!) and i actually feel like my workouts are WORKING!
i love uncommon athlete. love.love.love.
i'm almost 34. how did that happen?
i've worn makeup 3 days this week. what?
i honestly think i could eat every hour of the day. i really love to eat.
i have a new love for beef jerky. is that weird?
some man mistook (is that a word?) me for a lowe's employee the other night. i had on real clothes & makeup...no apron or nametag... i dont understand.
at least he didnt ask if gabe was my grandchild. i may never get over that.
my neighbor that i've only spoken to once brought gabe 4 books & a sweet note the other day. how dang sweet was that?? we read the books and i put the note in his love box. :) we also creeped on her porch and left a thank you note.
i woke up around 12:30am the other morning and watched honey boo-boo. i just needed to confess.
i wish i had a talent. like a legit one. i dont seem to know what mine is.
i love sun-dried tomatoes dd french vanilla coffee and reading peoples blogs.
i could eat my weight in frozen yogurt.
candy corn is crack to me.
i am still praying for some hand-me-downs. i need "new"clothes terribly.
my ears arent pierced.
i think i'm done for today :)
I think every good mom feels inadequate some days. I have days where I feel like a completely horrible mom (for some reason those days happen a lot around a certain time of the month... I'm catching on). I would say the fact that you're even worried about it is a sign that you truly love Gabe as a mother should love her child, wanting the absolute best for them. I never wanted kids until I did (does that make sense?) but now I can't imagine life without them. When we started talking about adoption, I constantly thought, "What in the world are you thinking! You aren't a good enough mom to your own biological kids!" but I realized that that was condemnation and that does not come from the Lord. God has called us to be parents, he has called us to adopt, and he will equip us with everything we need to answer his call for his glory. Same goes for you guys! So be encouraged... I think you are just the mom Gabe needs because God chose him specifically for you to love. :)
ReplyDeletesince your blog posts kind of feel like a regular conversation with you, I just feel like I need to respond to this one for a few points:
ReplyDelete1. I don't know if every mom feels the way you described, but I definitely don't think it's b/c he's adopted because I've felt that way A LOT! IN fact I was just telling a friend of mine yesterday that I've felt so much like a mom impostor.. like I've been borrowing someone else's kid and pretending to be a parent, but soon I'm gonna get found out that I'm just a phony. haha.. hope that makes you feel better. AND I'm the same way - well I did always picture myself having kids, but I was NEVER the type who was baby crazy or loving to babysit other people's kids. I even work at an elementary school and sometimes still think, "why do I do this? I'm not even kid-crazy! haha" And my mom is also a rock star mom and teacher, so it makes me feel even more pressure!
2. You definitely have talents - many of them. But one very obvious one to me is that you're an amazing runner. I mean regardless of if you actually enter races and things.. I'd call it talented that you can run sooooooo far all at once. And God has definitely given you a talent for ministry, even though that's one of those somewhat vague talents that you can't exactly perform on a stage, I still think it counts :)
3. And I have to add this just to make you feel good. PLAY is the most important thing you could possibly be doing right now with Gabe so pat yourself on the back. Play is not only how kids learn, but it's also how kids sort out their emotions and problems and stuff. I took a play therapy class last semester and it was sad to learn how many kids don't really just do simple playing anymore with their parents because lots of parents just plop them in front of a screen. Then the kids can't sort out all the craziness in their little minds using play.. So you're doing the best possible things for him, especially right now.
I think every mom feels that way. I know I do. I could sit and cry right now over the mistakes I've made and the things I've failed to do.If I talk to other moms, I leave thinking oh no I don't make homemade bread or oh no my kids don't know Greek and Hebrew or I didn't read to them enough or... ad nauseum. But my husband is quick to point out the things I have done and the things I am good at.
ReplyDelete"he knows he's loved. i can rest in that."
And yes you really can. That is the foundation for him that cannot be shaken. You are amazing, and I love reading your blog.
Leslie
I just love you, Kaci Dunlap Lesley :) play with your son. Eat with your son. Keep reciting/singing scripture with him. You're doing great. He's a loved little boy. Oh, and I love sun dried tomatoes too. I manage to put them in 4 meals a week or so! I hid my crack (aka candy corn) in my cleaning cabinet. Now I just have to make myself forget where it is! Ha!! Yeah right.
ReplyDeleteI just need to say that I wish we were friends in real life. YOU are an AMAZING mom. EVERY momma feels unworthy. Every momma feels like they aren't doing enough. Heck, reading your post makes me feel like I need to get my life together and start singing more scripture to my kids. In fact, I thought, "How does she sing scripture?" "Oh no! I'm not writing scripture in my kid's minds...I'm not doing that!!". Hello...comparison is the THIEF of JOY. Being an adoptive momma, I do sometimes compare and wonder if I am doing things wrong with both children :) in different ways... Love your random posts. They make me smile. And feel like I know you!
ReplyDelete