i have had enough

i am exhausted. i am mad. in fact, i am fighting mad. so (hold me accountable!) i am going to battle.

i hate "giving credit" to the enemy. i hate when i let satan get a foothold in my heart & mind.

i mentioned several blogs back about feeling like a bad mom...

those feelings have not gone away. in fact they have intensified. it sucks.

my mind has been overwhelmed with negative thoughts. constantly...

- you aren't a good mom or wife.
- you should teach gabe more.
- you aren't good at your job.
- you should feel guilty for having to leave gabe for work.
- you should work more. you aren't as involved as you used to be.
- your house stay messy. get it together.
- you are a disappointment.
- why can't i be more like my mom? she never seems to get tired.
- i need to get myself together.
- jay deserves better.
- gabe got sick b/c of me. i should've kept him warmer, away from kids, etc.
- you shouldn't run or workout. you should be at home instead.
- gabe deserves better.

...just a glimpse of the stuff that runs through my mind. it's only been the past couple months that i've been struggling with horrible guilt. it seems like no matter where i am or what i am doing i feel guilty about it.

if i'm with gabe, i feel like i should be working. when i am working, i feel like i should be home with gabe. it's ridiculous.

i know i am NOT perfect.  never going to be. but i am doing what God has called me to do. so this crap has to stop.

yesterday my sweet friend Dee Dee (love love love love that woman!) reminded me that this is exactly how the enemy jacked me up with eating/diet/exercise several years ago. (she didn't use the words "jacked up") she reminded me that the enemy knows my mind is my weak spot. i let him grab a little part of my mind and he runs rampant with negative thoughts. he starts out with one little lie and i take it on as truth...then it just escalates.

why do i let him do this??  i have ALL of Heaven on my side and i let that little punk mess me up. i am absolutely annoyed.

so, in Jesus' name i am claiming victory over this foolishness! i am calling the lies out. i am going to battle with scripture and the power of a praying husband!! :) (and family/friends!)

i am going to work super hard at:

- NOT comparing myself to other moms. never a good idea.
- NOT getting down on myself for having to work. it's not an option.
- putting on the belt of truth! and using scripture to make the enemy run his sorry little self away from me.
- ENJOYING exactly where God has me. Gabe is healthy, happy, safe, loved and well taken care of. i do not have to feel guilty about working.
- Trusting that God is all i need. he is ENOUGH. on days when i feel capable and days when i feel worthless. HE never changes. oh how i am grateful.
- RESTing in the truth that God, Jay and my family are not disappointed in me. that's a huge one.

i won't retell the entire story. but if you go back and read older blogs you'll know that the devil stole 6 years of my life with lies. he had me convinced that i was gross, fat, ugly & unlovable. i spent YEARS trying to become someone/something else. absolutely stupid. i hate that i let him do that. i DO NOT want to allow that to happen again.

i am confessing this so that you'll pray for me :) and hold me accountable to calling a lie a lie! i have zero shame when it comes to sharing crap in my life.

bringing things into the light helps uproot sin/evil/fleshyness/gross stuff...so bring on the light.

amen. thanks for letting me spew all that on ya.

bring on thanksgiving and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!!

Comments

  1. UnknownNovember 14, 2012 at 11:38 AM

    You are not alone in your struggles, Kaci! Most mamas I know, including me, struggle with the exact same issues. (even though we "know" better) So, thanks for sharing your heart. I'll pray for you and you pray for me. Ok? Ok!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. BarbaraNovember 14, 2012 at 12:00 PM

    There is not a word of that list that I have not told myself at some point or time and many times too often over the past 23 years as a working mother. There are days that it feels as though there is never enough of you to go around and so therefore you suck at everything. I struggle with it and I hate it because I, like you, know deep in my heart that it is lies that I let myself believe. God doesn't expect me to be ther perfect mom and perfect employee. He just wants me to trust him and work to glorify him in whatever it is I am doing. So, certainly, I will pray for you! Please pray for me and mom's everywhere. I think most of us share this sad "sisterhood" of guilt and it is all just a LIE! Love your honesty. And may I just add that Gabe, Jay, your family, TA's and many other people are so blessed to have you in their lives! Hang tough!
    Love,
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  3. DanelleNovember 26, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRqKOBNa6y4

    praying dear one. Love your honesty. God will honor it.

    ReplyDelete

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