brat

i have confessed before that i am a brat. i really am. i'm ashamed of myself. i know i probably get on Gods nerves.

here's an example of how bratty i can be... i like 50 degrees for my morning run. favorite temp. long sleeved tshirt & shorts = perfection. but then after i run i'm gonna need it to at least warm up to 75 or 80. then i can wear shorts all day. then preferably i'd like it to cool off at night just enough to need a light jacket. too bad i dont live in california. this weather rarely happens in ga.

i also prefer it not to be dark when i run in the mornings. again, not happening. i think i get like a 2 or 3 week window of daylight before the time changes.

i am weird. although i hate the time change b/c it whacks out my body. i like for it to get dark early during the holidays. seems cozy for christmas. but if it only lasted from thanksgiving day to christmas day, that'd be ideal.

don't worry. i am aware that i am obnoxious.

i've said it before - i am aware of how annoying i am and am prepared to sweep porches in heaven b/c of it. i just hope i can eat peanut butter the entire time.

madison told me a spoon full of peanut butter with frozen chocolate chips in it is delish. why haven't i tried that?!

here's another reason i know i am a brat.

i don't like being away from jay. at all preferably but certainly not for more than 3 days. no lie. my heart hurts when he's gone for more than 3 days. like physically hurts!

he's been gone since monday morning and i am beyond ready to have him home.

i dont think missing my husband makes me a brat. but i know that other people have to go for much longer periods of time without their spouses so i shouldn't complain.

that being said...jay is going to israel for 11 days soon.

i have complained about that for MONTHS.

in all fairness we talked about the trip before he agreed to go. i couldn't say no. its kind of a once in a lifetime thing. so i wanted him to get to go!!

but selfishly i have been nervous about life without jay AND having gabe without jay for 11 days.

gabe is the easiest, sweetest kid ever! but my flesh gets fearful.

like what if he never sleeps through the night? (strange habit he's been in...)  what if he gets sick again? (that week was terrible!) i have so many silly thoughts/fears.

all that fear and fleshyness made me resent jay for going. (just confessing.)

so seriously i have thought ugly things in my mind towards this trip. it's not really a mission trip so i justified my complaining. ha. i'm awful. don't hate me for sharing...

no joke - i would get excited when i saw stuff going on in & around israel hoping the trip would get canceled. i know, i know. i'm awful.

i'm leaving out months of my being annoying and telling you that last week i finally decided to stop thinking negatively about this trip. (not easy!)

the Lord kinda put me in my place and told me to shut up. my complaining wasnt doing any good. i might as well suck it up and get over it. true. but LAWD knows i dont want to.

at dinner last week i told jay i was going to stop complaining and instead pray every time israel popped in my head. i asked him to pray as well. we decided he would pray that God would turn my fear and doubt into strength and faith. and i would pray...wait for it...that jay would be blessed on the trip.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW. i have not wanted to pray that. which means, i totally need to pray that.

God is so good and i am so wrong.

that being said - if you'd like some gabe time during those 11 days....just let me know :)  hahaha.

i normally get up very early (like 5:30am) so i can get my workouts in before gabe gets up and work. right - its impossible (almost!) to find babysitters that early. oh LAWD.

the Lord is so sweet. i dont know why He likes/loves me. really, i dont know how He does.

He's faithful even when i suck. like today, Jesus Calling spoke directly to the fear i have of those 11 days...

"Trust me and don't be afraid, for i am your Strength and song."  "human weakness, consecrated to Me, is like a magnet, drawing My Power into your neediness. However, fear can block the flow of My Strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me. When you relate to Me in confident trust, there is no limit to how much i can strengthen you."

really?! i don't deserve that.

my response to me (if i was God) would be more like this...

"kaci, you are on my last nerve. in fact, i dont even like you anymore. how many times have i proven myself faithful to you. what is your problem? get over yourself. if you don't start trusting me i am going to: make gabe be completely whacked out while jay is gone...no sleep. i am also going to throw you down on the track at lake bottom and knock out your teeth. shut up. so many people in this world deal with much bigger issues than a faithful, loving husband going on a trip with his church for 11 days. shut your face."

see why i'm not God? haha.

thank you Lord for loving me. forgive my doubt. forgive my selfishness. forgive me for hanging tight to my bologna sandwich (my mom & dad might be the only ones that get that...)

i hope y'all dont think i'm horrible.

random thoughts:

how and why do people not eat carbs?

in case you were wondering, 10 minutes of sandbag getups are EVIL. thanks dennis.

gabe is really good at playing the harmonica. i mean, really good.

i canNOT do math. really, its bad.

i say really a lot.

i think ivey roper is delightful to be around. you should be her friend.

i sometimes worry gabe might not like me. is that weird?

i love my growth group girls.

i am beyond pumped for beach time. i love spring & summer. (but not when its stupid hot. brat, remember?)

i'm not good at small talk/chatting. i say dumb things.

i'm also not good at funeral stuff. i tend to say the most ridiculous things to people.

i have to use a hair dryer now. its so strange. today i was thinking, "oh no, now i'm going to have to pack one for trips. ewww."

what my mom thinks about me really effects my life. is that normal?!  (sorry mom if thats a stressful thought!)

being a parent is SO MUCH DEEPER than i originally thought. i thought we just needed to love G and keep him fed, clothed and basically alive. haha.

but oh gosh....there's SO much to it! i think about how the way we treat him relates to how He understands Gods love and attitude towards him. thats beyond huge! (did that make sense?)

there's so many things we need to teach him, pray over him, etc. oh its a lot! but again, that's where God comes in and thankfully i can rely on His strength and parenting skills. ahhhhhh.

imma shut up.