just because

I haven't taken time to sit and write since April I guess. That's the last time I blogged. I should work on that. You know how Facebook shows your "on this day" stuff as soon as you sign in? Mine for the past week have been all about college football (no surprise!) and the TA retreat. Thinking about the TA retreat brings back so many memories! Gosh so many friendships, so many laughs, so many tears, so much truth from Big Lee, Dee Dee & Will. So much fabulous worship with Jonathan & Lisa. Oh how thankful I am for those years. But my heart also remembers the hurt. I remember reading the "write your heart out" papers that the students fill out anonymously before the retreat. Wow. I remember reading about divorced parents, affairs, deaths, self-esteem issues, drugs/alcohol, thoughts of suicide, bullying, sexual and physical abuse, broken hearts after losing their virginity... everything you can imagine and more. Now anytime I see teenagers I thi...

for over 10 years now i have struggled with (the nasty, sinful and vain) self-image. LONG story short it all started with a desire to lose a few pounds... but i took it too far. i decided my worth was wrapped up in my size. i believed, truly believed, that my size determined my worth. there was a few reasons i think i believed that lie... i'd heard MANY pastors/youth pastors and christians talk about how our character and inner beauty are what matter... (true!) but as a young girl (well 20 something) i saw that even christian men wanted a beautiful and (what i thought was) perfect wife. so i decided that i needed to be thin. and where i really went wrong was telling God that "i'd take this. i'd take control of this part of my life because after all He couldn't control what food i put in my mouth or how hard i exercised." although i vividly remember Him telling me one morning while i was running that "He could give me something to complain about....

It's been a while since I've posted. Life has been busy but fun. I've learned a few things about myself and God lately. Also about Jay. I'll share those in a minute. But first, a few random thoughts... 1. stitch fix is SO much fun. but GOOD GRIEF. I can't afford to pay $46 for some blue jean shorts. so everything they sent me went back except a necklace and it was for a good cause. and since i'd already paid $20 in styling fees it only costs me $26 (extra.)  can someone join me and let's start up a stitch fix for the "less fortunate." haha.  except i'm serious. we could make big money. 2. Chick-fil-a owes me for their new coffee drink. for years now, well i should really say josh clegg gets credit, i've asked for a little splash of coffee on my ice dream in a cup (as they call it.) it makes perfect coffee ice cream. I'mma need a kick back for this idea that they are now making a killing selling. 3. I am so excited that we are actu...

the past several months i have been learning a lot about myself, God and life in general. some if it is fun and some of it has been a tad more disciplinary stuff from God. first of all, i learned NOT to make fun of people for things. here are a few examples i used to make fun of friends and family for: - getting carsick. i thought this was all a ploy to get to ride shotgun. NOW i know this mess is legit. and i have to take lots of dramamine and tummy drops to go on trips. dangit. - having acid reflux or heartburn. i thought people were being dramatic and that it couldn't possibly be that bad. NOW i know that mess is evil. i've had to start taking zantac so i won't feel like food is caught in my throat all day & night. dangit. - blaming a medication for causing them to gain weight. i always thought that was ridiculous. i would think "that medicine is NOT making you put food in your mouth." LAWD was i wrong. the meds they put me on for anxiety have cause...

did i ever tell y'all that my issue is NOT anxiety? i meant to. (not that i think anyone really cares, ha.) i'd like to state for the record that I WAS RIGHT. all along i told the doctors that my issue was not anxiety. i'm not an anxious person! i recognized that the only reason i was anxious is because of my other symptoms! you try being dizzy and off balance and NOT being anxious. LAWD. i tried to accept the anxiety diagnosis. i took the meds. allowed them 6 weeks to get into my system. and i will confess i was less anxious....AFTER i had dizzy spells and felt off balance (along with other symptoms.) i truly thought the anxiety meds would heal me. i thought my days of struggles were over. not so much. after several months of continuing to feel off i started researching ways to get rid of my symptoms. i kept reading that vestibular rehab could help. finally i googled places that offer vestibular rehab in columbus ga.  i wasn't even paying atten...

growing up i had an amazing group of girl friends. oh we spent so much time together between church and just hanging out. i LOVED these girls and spent obnoxious amounts of time watching movies, talking about boys and having sleepovers. it truly was fantastic and i thank God for those girls often. we all still stay in touch through Facebook mainly and sometimes seeing each other around town. but we don't talk daily, hourly like we did growing up. that being said...if anything big happened in my life or theirs i KNOW we would all be right there in a heartbeat. i KNOW that and am thankful for it. fast forward to college and most of those girl friends had moved on the serious relationships and towards marriage and for me that didn't come until age 27. SO in the meantime most of my close friends were guys. mostly because, let's be real, guys are easier to hang out with. no drama, no comparing yourself, no gossip, etc. it was just easy. i did have times when i was jealous ...