wed thoughts

i read a blog yesterday about adoption. it was a mom talking to her two adopted children about their birth mom.  they were young but old enough to understand their adoption and know the difference between her and their biological mom. i won't lie, it made me a bit anxious about gabe. her kids kept saying they missed their "real mom."  that hurt my heart. that may sound selfish. i do sometimes feel like i'm not a "real mom" because i didn't give birth to gabe. i know thats a lie. but i do struggle with it. or i think that other people don't think i'm a "real mom." ...i'm weird.

you know what proves that this is a silly fear... no part of me thinks anyone would think jay isnt a "real dad" so why do i give myself such a hard time?

the truth is...gabe is a gift. he is Gods child that He entrusted to us. i love, appreciate and admire Gabe's birth mom. i think she is very brave, loving and unselfish! i want to celebrate her and not let the enemy steal any of my adoration of her.

i tell jay often that i worry if gabe will "like" me. haha. like really...what if he doesnt? ahh!? but then i have to (again) get over myself. my mom is one of my all-time favorite people. so i just remember that :)

i don't know how/when we'll talk to gabe about adoption. but i'm already being careful about what i say around him. our follow-up adoption lady told us that being adopted is "gabes story to tell." not ours. so we need to be careful of talking about that around him or even when he isn't around...especially as he gets older.

oh well.

we had to do lunges for 600 meters at UA today. that's not all we did. just the worst part.

i think j.crew sizes their clothes to make us happy :)  b/c the size i wear with them is much different than other places.

gabe had zero interest in eating his apple cinnamon oatmeal this morning. i ate most of it.

i think i could drink coffee all day.

2 weeks from today i am going to the beach for our staff retreat. i cannot wait.

is it illegal to flash your lights to warn people that police are ahead?

i am sure that people (especially at CCC) think i'm a jerk because i am NOT good at chit chat. i probably come across as really rude but honestly i just feel like a dork carrying on small talk. i kinda want to say "its not you, it's me. i'm lame." hahaha but i just try to get away with a big smile and/or wave.

i try to write someone a hand-written note every day (mon - fri.) and i bet i only get one note a year in the mail. is that pitiful? ha.

jodie creswell asked jay this weekend if he is always nice. he said no. but the truth is he IS always nice. i told him that. we laughed that i am NOT always nice.

jay isn't thoughtful necessarily. like monday, he said he'd be home in the afternoon. so i expected him around 4. he didnt think to call or text me to let me know otherwise. so i had to check with jodie. see...not thoughtful. but nice........yep, always.

i'm decent at being thoughtful. i do try to think about other people and i like to do things for people. but nice, no. wouldn't be the top word used to describe me. i remember dee dee saying that one time. we were talking about someone being sweet. she said she wouldn't use that word to describe me. surprisingly that didn't hurt my feelings. probably shouldn't have made me laugh. but it did.

i don't like animals. just a reminder.

when i went to bed last night, the sun was still up. perfect.

sleeping, eating, napping = some of my fav things.

there's this super fast runner at the park early in the mornings. madison and i haven't seen him lately. wonder where he's been. he is insanely fast, consistent, and always smells good. we don't understand.

there's one lady that runs on her tip toes. how?!

there's one guy that WILL NOT speak to anyone.

there's another guy who always reminds me of ziggy. the cartoon guy.

i appreciate the CSU runners and how hard they work but i do not understand how they run in a pack. i'd be so claustrophobic. well, who am i kidding. i'd be trailing so far behind it wouldn't really matter.

sometimes i use the mens bathroom at the park. yes, i am aware that is disgusting. used it tuesday and thankfully got out before some construction guy came up.

madison and i have tried to find a spot to hide some toilet paper for emergencies. we have yet to find a good spot. any ideas? :)  you may be thinking....just go home. but that's tricky with gabe.

i confess that gabe is pretty amazing. but i will also confess there are times when i am selfish and want to get frustrated. like when he's whiny or fussy. but thankfully the Lord calms my heart and especially my TONE when i speak to him. the last thing i want to do is crush his precious little spirit. Lord help me.

i'm NOT saying i'm a perfect or even good mom. but i must say it bothers me to hear people complain about their children. that makes me sad. we're all annoying sometimes! so why do we think we can complain about kids who can't always express what they need or are feeling...?!

maybe i'm extra sensitive b/c i haven't been able to get pregnant. but fussy or happy, kids are gifts. i think about how God must have to bite his tongue not to let me have it...hahaha. and i try to apply that to parenting.

again, gabe is one amazing kid. he's probably stressed me out 4 times total.

i think he is going to be HUGE. his hands and feet are ginormous. and no joke he grows like inches every.dang.day.

this post is stupid. sorry.

let's end with more foolishness:

things people like that i could never eat again and be ok with it...
- fruity candy
- lollipops
- peppermints, candy canes, york patties, etc.
- hot dogs
- anything fried except french fries
- meatloaf
- sno cone
- any type of little debbie ish snack cake
- sausage
- spinach
- regular potato chips
- onion rings

booyah.