lots of thoughts

i have several friends going through hard times. it makes me sad and keeps me on my knees. i do trust God to be with them, walk with them, and comfort them. life is fun but can be hard.

i've got a friend who is dealing with a sick mom, another with a drug/alcohol addicted father who isn't doing well, another with a drug addicted brother who is in jail, another going through a really hard break up, and another with a sick grandmother.

all of them are on my heart this morning. i am thankful for prayer. i am thankful that i (we) can find rest in Christ when things are hard and don't make sense.

these struggles also remind me to shut up about my petty struggles. good grief.

my heart is also heavy for Holden. i want so badly to hear that he has been adopted. 

i'm in a strange place when it comes to our family adopting again. of course, i'll do whatever we feel God desires for us. but i have fears...legit ones and selfish ones.

legit...

- adoption is very, very expensive. and then you have to raise the child...which is also expensive :) 

now please don't take that as me not having faith. i do. i watched God provide for Gs adoption and i know He'll do the same if we pursue another child. God is so much bigger than money. at the same time, i feel weird pursuing something when financially it makes no sense. oh gosh.

yet another reason i'm thankful i can pray!

- jay and i both have weird jobs. our work schedules aren't 9-5. we work nights, (me) early mornings and weekends. so i get nervous about bringing another child into our crazy world! BUT we do make it work. G is our focus. we are very guarded about our family time. and i know we would do the same with another child.

- the adoption process is EMOTIONAL. oh gosh. just a few weeks of Holden wiped me out emotionally. wait, this should be under the selfish category, not legit.

BUT...

i want G to have a sibling. my brother means the world to me. just yesterday we were catching up through email and i cried. i just love him. i love his heart. i love his friendship. i cannot imagine my life without him. i trust him, i learn from him, he makes me laugh, he (along with jay!) makes me feel safe in an uncertain world.

i dont think there is anything wrong with being an only child. but i know G would love love love a brother or sister. 

ps - i am leaning towards a brother. i love boys. i love their roughness! i cannot do hair (hence the pixie cut) so i'd be a train wreck with girls. but girls DO have cuter clothes. and jay would be precious with a girl.

AND i love the name Lily Kate Lesley.  how can you have a bad day when that is your name?!

ugh. i dont know. i could go ON and ON with pros and cons. but i'll shut up. ultimately we'll do whatever God asks. 

more kaci confessions:

jay is VERY busy next week b/c its prayer week at CCC. that means he's gone every night. boo. then he's busy most of february. ALL good things...but still it means he'll be gone. 

he's got a weekend trip the first full weekend of feb. then he's got a full weekend of wedding stuff the next weekend. the he leaves that following monday (after the wedding) for bulgaria for 8 days.

i know, you single moms out there are mocking me right now. but whew, i am sure gonna miss jay!!

and it scares me a bit.

(this makes me laugh. i opened my calendar to see when jay would be gone in feb. i noticed my stupid self wrote "dont look homeless" for our feb 12 staff mtg.) maybe i should look more professional at work, Lawd.

ok back to sharing pointless info....

- after christmas, i really wish we just skipped to march. jan and feb are my least favorite months.

- i am ready to wear shorts. except that my legs are gross white.

- i am putting myself on country life restriction. i was hitting that place like every day. too much veganaise and mock chicken salad... 

- are sun-dried tomatoes bad for me? b/c i really really like em.

did i already blog about my word for 2014?

i think it is "identity." it keeps popping up. jay asked me about it the other day, it was in our scripture time like 3 times this past week and a couple friends have mentioned it in conversation. so i'm hoping to pray about and study identity.

i guess thats it for now. why do people read my blog?! ha.