weird week
last week was really weird for me. it had some really great moments and some tough ones. i guess that could be true for any week. but i had some super hard days. not fun.
please know, its rare that i get a good nights sleep. disclaimer for this entire blog...
it started out pretty good. been working through some changes at work and all of that seemed to fall into place. i am thankful for a job that allows me to change aspects of my job to make being a mom a little easier. (an away from home working mom...)
the enemy did creep in a little with work stuff though and had me thinking i'd failed. that if i'd just worked harder or been more creative i could've juggled it all with no guilt. ugh. i just hate how the enemy (just the opposite of God!) tries to turn good things into bad things. jerk.
did i mention i don't sleep?
so tuesday was pretty good. we started our new small group that evening. ohhhh i just loved it. i love having people in my house, sharing life. i love meaningful and fun conversations. i love being able to share the good and bad things going on in my life and hear about others. i enjoy friendships that are fun and godly. did i mention we laugh a lot? tuesday might be my new favorite day.
one sad thing. while we were having small group jays phone rang. normally we wouldn't consider answering but we were expecting a call about our attempt to adopt Holden. (13 year old precious chinese boy who will be thrown on the streets in june...so sad.) anyway, we were a tad late to try to start the process AND you have to have $80,000 in assets to adopt out of china. good grief....who has that?!
the call was sad, obviously. but more for jay than me. NOT because my heart wasn't all for helping Holden. but i had a conversation with the adoption agent the thursday prior and i basically knew we weren't in the running. so i did my crying...ok weeping! she called when i was driving home from work. i cried like a fool talking to her. i told her that i KNOW we looked like Noah building an ark when no one had ever even seen rain. i KNOW it makes no sense for us (not the richest folks around, who don't speak chinese, who don't know how to raise a teen, etc.) to try to help Holden. but we couldn't help the way our hearts felt. oh how we prayed and wept for that sweet boy...still are! anyway, i knew when i hung up with her we were out. i couldn't even get out of the car. i just cried.
please know my heart in this. i DO trust God that we aren't the right home for Holden. but gosh, my heart just ached knowing he is months away from the street :( i believe with all my heart we will hear that he's been adopted. i just believe it.
few reasons YOU can love Holden too: he greets all the families that come to his orphanage to adopt OTHER children. how precious. he's albino and in china that is looked at like a curse. i bet that is why he's older and not adopted. in the pictures i saw and stories i read of him, he's gentle and caring. he helps take care of the younger children, etc. oh my heart. i KNOW God has NOT forgotten Holden.
there are so many children that need to be loved.
ok so that was tuesday.
lots of nights, i don't sleep.
thursday started out great! had a wonderful run with meghan. i love that time. it's hard b/c she runs faster than me but it's good for my heart (physically and spiritually!) i really appreciate her friendship. i admire her heart to know God and hear Him. she's an obedient follower of Christ and a fabulous friend.
i was telling her how well things had been going for me as far as self-image struggles. i was excited for the freedom i'd been living in. i even told jay how good things had been going.
well dang, a couple hours later, i was being extremely negative towards myself. i mean awful. i felt like i was right back in that dark place i'd been a year or so ago. helpless, hopeless, sad, far from God...i was feeling all kinds of negative. i hated it. HATED IT.
i wish i could say i (being a christian) just snapped out of it. i wish i could say i prayed, read the Bible (well i did do those things!) and just got over my funk. but it didn't happen. i held on to those negative thoughts for days.
i didn't want to think negatively. i just felt stuck. i BELIEVED what i was thinking. so i didn't think "oh this is a thought i need to take captive in Christ." i took it on as truth.
so thursday was awful.
not sure i remembered to say i don't sleep well.
friday morning was dumb. jay and i finally came to the end of our contract with t-mobile. so we headed to radio shack to get new phones and switch to verizon. LONG story short, i was there over an hour and a half with G by myself. seriously? do you know how many gadgets, cords, buttons, noise makers, etc. are in that joint???? oh my. by the absolute grace of God i stayed pretty calm. i knew it wasn't the managers fault.
the guys that work there were so nice and fun. they pulled out all sorts of remote control cars, helicopters, etc for Gs entertainment. we also laughed that we don't understand why in the world G likes curious george. he doesn't even talk. i don't get it.
mmk, so after we left there i didn't even play. i drove my hungry, stressed self straight to countrys. they take such good care of me and G! he plays with the tshirt box, their car keys, etc. and take care of me when i'm worn out haha.
jay came and met us there. not so much to see us but to get his new phone... :) ha.
he took G home and i went grocery shopping.
some of you may think that doesn't sound exciting. but going to the store (any store) ALONE is like a mini vacation.
friday night must've been quiet b/c i don't remember it.
saturday i was BEYOND anxious. like all day. CRAZY ANXIOUS.
i told jay and my mom i thought something must be wrong with me. i've never felt like that. i wondered if i was having a panic attack.
now, let's get to better times...
jay and i went to a friends house for dinner. ahhhhhhhh. he asked us to come up around 5 so we could hang out some when it was still daylight. then we'd have soup for supper.
the minute we arrived peace came over me. sweet peace (the kind you know is Jesus.) we walked a bit (he lives on a LOT of land) before supper and then talked & laughed waiting on the biscuits to bake. (they were so.dang.good.)
the biscuits were like ones my mom used to make. we called them "angel biscuits." they could be called "crack."
anyway, he made a carrot soup that i couldn't stop eating. SOOOOO GOOOOOD. and a taco soup.
we just talked, shared our stories, laughed, talked about Jesus, read some scripture and had the most peaceful few hours i'd had ALL WEEK.
i cannot say how GOD ordained that time was for me. i love the way He works.
today has been fabulous! church was good. G's been fun. i got to have lunch with one of my greatest friends. oh how i've missed seeing ashley on a regular basis. i adore her. she's got a love of life like nobody i know! she's confident, she's honest, she's smart, beautiful, godly, faithful, and puts everyone around her at ease. i admire her a lot. seeing her was definitely good for my heart.
after lunch i studied Luke with about 20 ladies. yay for precept :)
tonight i'm enjoying a quiet house. that's something i picked up on at dinner with our friend last night. he doesn't even have a TV. his house was peaceful, quiet, calm. i liked that.
so jay and i decided we aren't going to turn the TV on "just because." we want our home to be a place that's calm and quiet. where reading, talking and listening is happening more.
sorry this blog was ridiculously long.
i have zero shame. please pray for me if you think about it this week.
i want to stop taking control of areas of my life. (any areas!)
i want to take negative thoughts captive.
i want to focus on things in life that truly matter.
i want to find my worth in Christ and nothing else.
i want to be more purposeful with my time. i want to "be still and know that He is God."
i want to be more like Allen which means being more like Christ.
i want to learn to live peacefully so that G learns to live like that too.
jay and i decided we don't want G to think being "busy" means you're successful. i disagree. i feel like if he learns the joy of quietly resting in Christ...we've done our job.
Lord help me live like that before my precious son.
and help me to sleep. amen. :)
please know, its rare that i get a good nights sleep. disclaimer for this entire blog...
it started out pretty good. been working through some changes at work and all of that seemed to fall into place. i am thankful for a job that allows me to change aspects of my job to make being a mom a little easier. (an away from home working mom...)
the enemy did creep in a little with work stuff though and had me thinking i'd failed. that if i'd just worked harder or been more creative i could've juggled it all with no guilt. ugh. i just hate how the enemy (just the opposite of God!) tries to turn good things into bad things. jerk.
did i mention i don't sleep?
so tuesday was pretty good. we started our new small group that evening. ohhhh i just loved it. i love having people in my house, sharing life. i love meaningful and fun conversations. i love being able to share the good and bad things going on in my life and hear about others. i enjoy friendships that are fun and godly. did i mention we laugh a lot? tuesday might be my new favorite day.
one sad thing. while we were having small group jays phone rang. normally we wouldn't consider answering but we were expecting a call about our attempt to adopt Holden. (13 year old precious chinese boy who will be thrown on the streets in june...so sad.) anyway, we were a tad late to try to start the process AND you have to have $80,000 in assets to adopt out of china. good grief....who has that?!
the call was sad, obviously. but more for jay than me. NOT because my heart wasn't all for helping Holden. but i had a conversation with the adoption agent the thursday prior and i basically knew we weren't in the running. so i did my crying...ok weeping! she called when i was driving home from work. i cried like a fool talking to her. i told her that i KNOW we looked like Noah building an ark when no one had ever even seen rain. i KNOW it makes no sense for us (not the richest folks around, who don't speak chinese, who don't know how to raise a teen, etc.) to try to help Holden. but we couldn't help the way our hearts felt. oh how we prayed and wept for that sweet boy...still are! anyway, i knew when i hung up with her we were out. i couldn't even get out of the car. i just cried.
please know my heart in this. i DO trust God that we aren't the right home for Holden. but gosh, my heart just ached knowing he is months away from the street :( i believe with all my heart we will hear that he's been adopted. i just believe it.
few reasons YOU can love Holden too: he greets all the families that come to his orphanage to adopt OTHER children. how precious. he's albino and in china that is looked at like a curse. i bet that is why he's older and not adopted. in the pictures i saw and stories i read of him, he's gentle and caring. he helps take care of the younger children, etc. oh my heart. i KNOW God has NOT forgotten Holden.
there are so many children that need to be loved.
ok so that was tuesday.
lots of nights, i don't sleep.
thursday started out great! had a wonderful run with meghan. i love that time. it's hard b/c she runs faster than me but it's good for my heart (physically and spiritually!) i really appreciate her friendship. i admire her heart to know God and hear Him. she's an obedient follower of Christ and a fabulous friend.
i was telling her how well things had been going for me as far as self-image struggles. i was excited for the freedom i'd been living in. i even told jay how good things had been going.
well dang, a couple hours later, i was being extremely negative towards myself. i mean awful. i felt like i was right back in that dark place i'd been a year or so ago. helpless, hopeless, sad, far from God...i was feeling all kinds of negative. i hated it. HATED IT.
i wish i could say i (being a christian) just snapped out of it. i wish i could say i prayed, read the Bible (well i did do those things!) and just got over my funk. but it didn't happen. i held on to those negative thoughts for days.
i didn't want to think negatively. i just felt stuck. i BELIEVED what i was thinking. so i didn't think "oh this is a thought i need to take captive in Christ." i took it on as truth.
so thursday was awful.
not sure i remembered to say i don't sleep well.
friday morning was dumb. jay and i finally came to the end of our contract with t-mobile. so we headed to radio shack to get new phones and switch to verizon. LONG story short, i was there over an hour and a half with G by myself. seriously? do you know how many gadgets, cords, buttons, noise makers, etc. are in that joint???? oh my. by the absolute grace of God i stayed pretty calm. i knew it wasn't the managers fault.
the guys that work there were so nice and fun. they pulled out all sorts of remote control cars, helicopters, etc for Gs entertainment. we also laughed that we don't understand why in the world G likes curious george. he doesn't even talk. i don't get it.
mmk, so after we left there i didn't even play. i drove my hungry, stressed self straight to countrys. they take such good care of me and G! he plays with the tshirt box, their car keys, etc. and take care of me when i'm worn out haha.
jay came and met us there. not so much to see us but to get his new phone... :) ha.
he took G home and i went grocery shopping.
some of you may think that doesn't sound exciting. but going to the store (any store) ALONE is like a mini vacation.
friday night must've been quiet b/c i don't remember it.
saturday i was BEYOND anxious. like all day. CRAZY ANXIOUS.
i told jay and my mom i thought something must be wrong with me. i've never felt like that. i wondered if i was having a panic attack.
now, let's get to better times...
jay and i went to a friends house for dinner. ahhhhhhhh. he asked us to come up around 5 so we could hang out some when it was still daylight. then we'd have soup for supper.
the minute we arrived peace came over me. sweet peace (the kind you know is Jesus.) we walked a bit (he lives on a LOT of land) before supper and then talked & laughed waiting on the biscuits to bake. (they were so.dang.good.)
the biscuits were like ones my mom used to make. we called them "angel biscuits." they could be called "crack."
anyway, he made a carrot soup that i couldn't stop eating. SOOOOO GOOOOOD. and a taco soup.
we just talked, shared our stories, laughed, talked about Jesus, read some scripture and had the most peaceful few hours i'd had ALL WEEK.
i cannot say how GOD ordained that time was for me. i love the way He works.
today has been fabulous! church was good. G's been fun. i got to have lunch with one of my greatest friends. oh how i've missed seeing ashley on a regular basis. i adore her. she's got a love of life like nobody i know! she's confident, she's honest, she's smart, beautiful, godly, faithful, and puts everyone around her at ease. i admire her a lot. seeing her was definitely good for my heart.
after lunch i studied Luke with about 20 ladies. yay for precept :)
tonight i'm enjoying a quiet house. that's something i picked up on at dinner with our friend last night. he doesn't even have a TV. his house was peaceful, quiet, calm. i liked that.
so jay and i decided we aren't going to turn the TV on "just because." we want our home to be a place that's calm and quiet. where reading, talking and listening is happening more.
sorry this blog was ridiculously long.
i have zero shame. please pray for me if you think about it this week.
i want to stop taking control of areas of my life. (any areas!)
i want to take negative thoughts captive.
i want to focus on things in life that truly matter.
i want to find my worth in Christ and nothing else.
i want to be more purposeful with my time. i want to "be still and know that He is God."
i want to be more like Allen which means being more like Christ.
i want to learn to live peacefully so that G learns to live like that too.
jay and i decided we don't want G to think being "busy" means you're successful. i disagree. i feel like if he learns the joy of quietly resting in Christ...we've done our job.
Lord help me live like that before my precious son.
and help me to sleep. amen. :)
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