no shame

y'all know i will share anything. i probably over share...but whatever.

a week or so ago i had a friend tell me she was struggling with depression and asked if i had ever dealt with it. why yes. yes i have/do...

i know most of the folks who read my blog have heard my story. i feel like i tell the same ol stuff all the time. so i wont go into every detail but i'll tell enough to make my point :)

growing up i can hardly remember ever feeling sad much less depressed. i may have had a bad day or sad moments but honestly i can't remember them now. i had such an amazing childhood. very devoted, involved parents (but not overly involved like reading my journal or trying to plan my life!) they were always there. i knew they would be home after school, i knew we would sit down and have supper at 6pm every night and i knew i could tell them anything. what an amazing gift.

that being said - i took that relationship and assumed (rightly so!) that God loved me the same way. that He was always there. that i could tell Him anything, that He loved me no matter what like my parents. just like my parents i figured He would discipline me but also do it in love.

those two things (great parents, loving Father) made life grand! if i had to describe my childhood in five words they would be: peaceful, joyful, fun, safe and loving.

i didn't have a "perfect" life by any means. but for me it was sweet and easy.

then there came a time when i stopped resting in Gods grace. i stopped allowing Him to be the Lord of my life. i wish that had never happened. i wish i'd never taken control of things in my life.

disobedience = unrest. :(

i told God i had to be in control of losing weight and my relationship with Jay.

LOOOOONG story short - it whacked me out. not just spiritually but physically and emotionally.

all of those being out of whack = depressed kaci.

i ended up waaaaayyyy too thin for my body frame which jacked up my hormones and made me chemically unbalanced (is it in/un?)

it made me focus on an idol instead of Christ which definitely killed my walk with Him. and of course made me emotionally dependent on circumstances rather than truth.

ugh.

so i ended up going to talk to a therapist. that didnt last too long but long enough for me to be diagnosed with depression. i KNOW that it stemmed from me pushing Gods presence away. sure it may have been a chemical inbalance (in/un?!) but it was also a Jesus inbalance!

i was so embarrassed to be told i was struggling with depression. nobody in my family had ever struggled with that.

i was so embarrassed i wouldnt even tell my parents.

but two weeks after starting to take medicine i called my mom on the way to my monday night growth group (which was normal) and just talked to her about my day. then at gg i shared with my girls that i had started taking meds for depression. i felt like i had to tell someone! they encouraged me and told me not to be embarrassed and said i should tell my parents.

so on the way home i called my mom back. ugh. i was so ashamed to say it but i did. and she said..."i just told your dad when you called earlier that for the first time in a long time i felt like i talked to Kaci...the 'real happy old' kaci."

YES! it was me. i did feel more like myself.

y'all that time when everything was out of whack was the DARKEST time of my life. so so dark, lonely, sad. i didnt want to go anywhere, being around people completely exhausted me, there was no rest or peace in my life, it was AWFUL. (ps in one of my darkest times i had to lead an entire TA retreat. that was ALL GOD!)

i wish i could say after the meds kicked in i was fine. that everything was back in order. but not so much.

to this day i struggle with keeping my heart and mind where it should be. its a struggle for me to keep diet/exercise in its place. to not find my worth in my size. its no fun.

let me say this too..."Getting jay" didnt make me one bit happier. GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so don't think bc we ended up together i didnt have to deal with the consequences of being out of Gods will.

i didn't get "thin" and get jay and suddenly become satisfied.

those things will never be enough.

having everything i ever thought i wanted................left me depressed.

when i rested in Christ....when He was my Lord.....i was the happiest i've ever been.....i was the heaviest i've been and i was single.

so ---

NOTHING compares to God.

being in His presence, His will and in relationship with Him is LIFE.

(i have to remind myself of this. i have good days and bad days. so i'm not preaching!)

apart from Christ there is no rest, no peace, no life. it is dark, lonely and exhausting.

here's my prayer for myself and my sweet friend who struggles with depression...
Thank You for Your constant grace, love and forgiveness. Please forgive me for putting things before You. Help me to walk in Your Truth. Help me clear my mind and heart of sin and earthly desires. My hope is in You. please fill me with You. i desire Your peace that passes all understanding. i trust You. i love You. You are my rest, You are my hiding place, You are my joy. i cannot thank You enough for all that You have done for me. here i am. I am Yours.

amen.

this may not make any sense to anyone and thats ok.

in other news, rain + monday = just plain wrong.