i hate sin. the devil. and being fleshy.
gosh the past several months have just not been my best. ugh. talk about struggling.
i probably share too much. i may even be annoying to some people with my honesty and issues. but sometimes it just feels good to get it out. get things in the light. so yet again, here i go...
i've not done well lately with focusing on the things that really matter. i go back and forth with thinking clearly and not selfishly. my problem is not watching my mouth and my mind! i think things and say things even though i know (b/c i JUST blogged about it!!) that my words have a lot of power.
its disgusting and i hate myself for it. but i am again struggling with the weight i have put on. i know to some of you that is probably absolutely annoying. i know. you may wanna slap me. you may wanna call me self-centered, neurotic...etc and i probably deserve it.
but....before you jump on me...please remember we all have our "issues" and this one happens to be mine.
thats NOT an excuse. i am ashamed of my struggle. i hate that i even care. i hate that its such an embarrassing, FLESHY sin/issue. but i'm just being honest.
it's REAL. to you it may seem stupid but to me its real.
now please keep in mind i am doing better! i eat more and exercise less that i used to. so i'm not struggling with being too thin or unhealthy (like i did for years.)
in fact, i am back to my wedding day weight which is 10-12 lbs heavier than i have been in 6 years.
with that comes a struggle. i don't like going up a size. its hard to not fit comfortably in clothes that fit this past summer.
the devil KNOWS this is hard for me. and oh.my. is he giving me hell.
he knows he can trip me up on weight gain. so then i'm already distracted when he comes at me with so so so many other "failures."
like not being good at my job.
being a bad mom.
not being a good friend.
disappointing God constantly.
...it never stops. those thoughts/lies run through my head daily.
i know what i SHOULD DO.
we are studying Luke in my precept class right now. just this week i was reminded of what i am supposed to do. the same thing Jesus did!
I am supposed to use Gods Word to defeat the devil. i am supposed to use the power of the Holy Spirit to go against the father of lies.
why don't i????????
it makes me so mad. b/c i am letting the enemy win. i am. it's like i'm in a boxing ring just letting him pound all over me while i stand there like a wimp.
he takes me out with the first punch..."eww you are so fat and gross...."
then as i lay there he just hits and lies..."you fail at loving Jay, gabe deserves better, they only keep you around at TAs b/c they are too nice to fire you...etc."
there i lay. beat, bloody, and exhausted.
BUT as i confess all this foolishness to you - i am reminded of who is at the corner of my boxing ring.
it's Jesus. and he so badly wants to take those hits for me. (in fact, He already did!) he'd do it every time if i would call on Him.
what a sweet picture.
for me it's feeling chubby. for you it may be jealousy, comparison, greed, addiction...something is trying to take your mind of Christ. something is trying to steal your joy.
i'm praying that we will stop. that we will allow Jesus to fight for us.
i have good days and bad days. good months and bad months! but Jesus promises (and reminded me today in Jesus Calling) that if i focus on Him, i will cease to notice how weak or strong i feel.
because my strength has nothing to do with it. He is my strength. take that satan...you suckaaaaaa!
now, let's talk about something happy for minute...
- i hated the snow. too stupid cold.
- gabe just wanted to eat it. he kept saying "mmm, this is good." like its not just ice!?
- my new favorite G words are : "p-pop" which means lollipop. "mushins" which means muffins.
- oh another reason i don't like snow is b/c i get cabin fever ridiculously quick. i like GA snow days...when we just think we're going to get snowed in, but have the day off and go do whatever we want. :)
- if you don't read brandon jones's (i never know if its jones', joneses, etc.) blog - YOU MUST.
dumb facts:
- i dont like our house when the "right" lamps arent turned on.
- i try not to dirty up napkins so i can reuse them.
- g spilled an entire sippy cup in jays recliner this am.
- i dont like long fingernails on myself or anyone. they creep me out.
- i really love writing on cardboard and styrofoam.
- at least once a month i dream that i have long hair.
- if you see me at chickfila (ever) i want one of your french fries.
- i could never eat ketchup again and be ok with it.
- i always double knot my tennis shoes
- i still add with my fingers
- i wont wear "real clothes" without makeup.
i am completely embarrassed and ashamed to post this blog b/c of my fleshy, dirty, sinful self.
please dont hate me.
i probably share too much. i may even be annoying to some people with my honesty and issues. but sometimes it just feels good to get it out. get things in the light. so yet again, here i go...
i've not done well lately with focusing on the things that really matter. i go back and forth with thinking clearly and not selfishly. my problem is not watching my mouth and my mind! i think things and say things even though i know (b/c i JUST blogged about it!!) that my words have a lot of power.
its disgusting and i hate myself for it. but i am again struggling with the weight i have put on. i know to some of you that is probably absolutely annoying. i know. you may wanna slap me. you may wanna call me self-centered, neurotic...etc and i probably deserve it.
but....before you jump on me...please remember we all have our "issues" and this one happens to be mine.
thats NOT an excuse. i am ashamed of my struggle. i hate that i even care. i hate that its such an embarrassing, FLESHY sin/issue. but i'm just being honest.
it's REAL. to you it may seem stupid but to me its real.
now please keep in mind i am doing better! i eat more and exercise less that i used to. so i'm not struggling with being too thin or unhealthy (like i did for years.)
in fact, i am back to my wedding day weight which is 10-12 lbs heavier than i have been in 6 years.
with that comes a struggle. i don't like going up a size. its hard to not fit comfortably in clothes that fit this past summer.
the devil KNOWS this is hard for me. and oh.my. is he giving me hell.
he knows he can trip me up on weight gain. so then i'm already distracted when he comes at me with so so so many other "failures."
like not being good at my job.
being a bad mom.
not being a good friend.
disappointing God constantly.
...it never stops. those thoughts/lies run through my head daily.
i know what i SHOULD DO.
we are studying Luke in my precept class right now. just this week i was reminded of what i am supposed to do. the same thing Jesus did!
I am supposed to use Gods Word to defeat the devil. i am supposed to use the power of the Holy Spirit to go against the father of lies.
why don't i????????
it makes me so mad. b/c i am letting the enemy win. i am. it's like i'm in a boxing ring just letting him pound all over me while i stand there like a wimp.
he takes me out with the first punch..."eww you are so fat and gross...."
then as i lay there he just hits and lies..."you fail at loving Jay, gabe deserves better, they only keep you around at TAs b/c they are too nice to fire you...etc."
there i lay. beat, bloody, and exhausted.
BUT as i confess all this foolishness to you - i am reminded of who is at the corner of my boxing ring.
it's Jesus. and he so badly wants to take those hits for me. (in fact, He already did!) he'd do it every time if i would call on Him.
what a sweet picture.
for me it's feeling chubby. for you it may be jealousy, comparison, greed, addiction...something is trying to take your mind of Christ. something is trying to steal your joy.
i'm praying that we will stop. that we will allow Jesus to fight for us.
i have good days and bad days. good months and bad months! but Jesus promises (and reminded me today in Jesus Calling) that if i focus on Him, i will cease to notice how weak or strong i feel.
because my strength has nothing to do with it. He is my strength. take that satan...you suckaaaaaa!
now, let's talk about something happy for minute...
- i hated the snow. too stupid cold.
- gabe just wanted to eat it. he kept saying "mmm, this is good." like its not just ice!?
- my new favorite G words are : "p-pop" which means lollipop. "mushins" which means muffins.
- oh another reason i don't like snow is b/c i get cabin fever ridiculously quick. i like GA snow days...when we just think we're going to get snowed in, but have the day off and go do whatever we want. :)
- if you don't read brandon jones's (i never know if its jones', joneses, etc.) blog - YOU MUST.
dumb facts:
- i dont like our house when the "right" lamps arent turned on.
- i try not to dirty up napkins so i can reuse them.
- g spilled an entire sippy cup in jays recliner this am.
- i dont like long fingernails on myself or anyone. they creep me out.
- i really love writing on cardboard and styrofoam.
- at least once a month i dream that i have long hair.
- if you see me at chickfila (ever) i want one of your french fries.
- i could never eat ketchup again and be ok with it.
- i always double knot my tennis shoes
- i still add with my fingers
- i wont wear "real clothes" without makeup.
i am completely embarrassed and ashamed to post this blog b/c of my fleshy, dirty, sinful self.
please dont hate me.
Kaci I wish I could magically convince you how amazing and wonderful and beautiful and special you are. Since I can't-- just keep falling on Jesus and letting Him renew your mind. It doesn't matter how long it takes or how many times you slip-- He will accomplish it! He promised. So just don't beat yourself up for being human. Just thank Him. He loves you so very much.
ReplyDeleteLeslie