no way

i have no clue how people live without Jesus.

i'm FAR from focusing on Him as i should. i'm certainly not the best Christian around. but gosh, not having Him...not believing in Him...i couldn't.

i love Him so much. i fail Him and i hate it. but i know, appreciate and trust that His mercies are new every morning. (Lam 3:22) and i am so very thankful.

being a Christian doesn't make life "easy." it doesn't take away the crap of this world. we live in a fallen world and sometimes its hard.

i'm learning to know that sometimes we are in a storm but that doesn't define us. and its only a storm. it will pass.

yesterday was rough. i mean ROUGH.

i guess i should've known it was coming.  tuesday dee dee taught our growth group about hope especially when we are discouraged. i knew it was for me. i knew it. but i didn't do a good job of obeying what she taught...what God asks of us.

(SIDE NOTE: i'm not kidding that my labs say i am post menopausal. so i am sure that my hormones are all out of whack. i'm taking new medicine which is always fun ha. i am taking medicine for my broken down thyroid too. joy.)

so i know some of my sadness/struggle is from all of those hormones and emotions.

but i'm also just in a weird spot in life. i guess we all have these times. things just seem to be flying by and i'm not doing a good job of being truly engaging in them as they go. does that make sense?

well after crying on and off most of yesterday (no exaggeration here folks...i cried in a restaurant!) i cried at my desk, i cried myself to sleep...i cried a lot...

i woke up this morning with a sweet tug on my heart. i knew who It was.  and because i know my Father loves me...i responded to that tug without fear or trepidation.

even though i knew the reason i was struggling was my own flesh, me taking my eyes off of Him...just me, yuck.

i didn't see an angry Father reaching for me. just like my dad, Norman, doesn't reach for me in anger or disappointment i knew my Father was reaching for me in love, mercy and peace.

so i pulled away. i got quiet. i lit a candle (this girl almost always has a candle lit!) and sat with Him. i didn't have much to say. He didn't either. we just sat. it was perfect.

Dee Dee has been teaching us about Hope. one thing she mentioned is to ask Him for a hope image. something that we can see in our minds, and ask, believe and HOPE for :)

i told jay today that i will eventually ask for a more specific hope image...but for now i want to rest/see/hang onto the image of me...sitting with my Father...just being.

i do have hope images for friends! i have images of pregnant bellies, new houses, new jobs, spouses, etc. i love that we can have Hope in Him.

my word for the year is identity. i think that will probably go along with my hope image.

i want my identity to be solely in Him.

when i am sad, struggling, thrilled, whatever...for a while now i tend to go to straight to Bethel Music - Be Lifted High and turn on "God I look to You."

i'm listening to it now. i sing when i'm alone often. i pray i will LIVE it as well...

God I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock forever
All my days I will love You God

Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns forever
All my days Hallelujah

can i get an amen?

PS - i still have the same hurts, fears, struggles that i went to bed with last night. i just have an anchor in Him. (thanks Dee Dee!!)  

Hebrews 6:18-20
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek. (MSG)

(Amplified)

This was so that, by two unchangeable things [His promise and His oath] in which it is impossible for God ever to prove false or deceive us, we who have fled [to Him] for refuge might have mighty indwelling strength and strong encouragement to grasp and hold fast the hope appointed for us andset before [us].

[Now] we have this [hope] as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot[a]break down under whoever steps out upon it—a hope] that reaches [b]farther and enters into [the very certainty of the Presence] within the veil,

Where Jesus has entered in for us [in advance], a Forerunner having become a High Priest forever after the order (with ^[c]the rank) of Melchizedek.

thank You Lord for Your Word.