thoughts, vasa and me

Couple random things to start:

Thanks to Tylenol pm I slept 12 hours last night. Booyah.

I used to be addicted to diet coke. Now I may drink one a week.

I have severe dry eyes. Its sooooo annoying.

I haven’t put makeup on all week.

I count steps when I climb them. cant help myself.

I made my dad laugh out loud with my moped story.

Jay’s feet look complete different. It’s awesome.

I think taking down wallpaper (while wearing vibrams!) is one of the jobs done in hell.

That 3 musketeer is still in the drawer. Lord help me.

I hate getting gas, going to wal-mart, dust on fake plants, driving jays huge truck, the show that jay is watching right now, my huge big toe, things being out of place in my car, hearing people pop their knuckles, and folding a fitted bed sheet.

I love burnt popcorn, eating bites of jays food, my husbands smile & laugh, my co-workers, the TA girls I get to know, smores w peanut butter, how personal God is with us, when I hear stories of people coming to Christ (or back to Him), my morning routine, my church and murder shows.

Vasa update: the kid is perfect. He’s all boy & I love it. Yesterday he was kinda sleepy & shy when we went to visit. I sat on the floor and played with him for a while though. Apparently playing “coo-coo” is like playing “peek-a-boo” in Russian. So we played coo-coo for a long time. I love the way he looks at me out of the corner of his eye. He’s a little charmer! He played guitar for me, played chase, showed me the dog and played with a toy car. He’s a delightful little fella. I cant wait til he speaks English & can tell me what he’s thinking, feeling, etc.

He’s the best.

I hope to be a mom one day. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel that way. Growing up I was never one of those girls who wanted to get married young & immediately start a family. I must admit I didn’t think I’d be 27 before getting married. But I don’t regret a minute of my single life (I say that now...but God knows I complained many days!) I learned a lot, made some amazing memories and grew super close to Christ. Can’t complain about that!

Becoming a mother (like waiting on marriage) hasn’t come quickly/easily for me. only in the past year or so have I even desired to have kids. It still terrifies me. I struggled for years thinking I’d be a horrible mom. I’m a lot of things that parents shouldn’t be: selfish, ocd about things being clean & in place, impatient, I can get overwhelmed pretty easily, I’m not silly or playful. But being married to jay has given me great comfort! I know that he will be everything I’m not for our kids. And I trust God to help me with my shortcomings.

I shared some of my story on facebook a few months ago. It may help you understand other reasons why I’m pushing 33 and still childless. I’m going to copy & paste that into this and then I’ll continue…

about 7 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told God that I needed to take control of my weight/diet/exercise, etc. yep, me. I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted so I was taking control. (bad, bad idea.) He let me have my control. I dieted, exercised (A LOT) and definitely struggled with some serious disordered eating. i'm BEYOND thankful it never got worse than that. thank God I don't like to throw up and (even if its not much...) i'm not skipping a meal!! so it never got as bad as it could've. it's amazing to me that even in my disobedience I see His grace.

so for years now i've battled the scale, pants size, mirror, etc. I let the devil convince me that losing weight is the only thing i've ever been good at and if I dare gain a pound i'm a failure.  i've been to therapy, been diagnosed with depression, and allowed a paralyzing fear of food control my life. it has stolen precious moments with my family, friend, husband and most importantly Heavenly Father. it's caused problems for me physically. (having a hard time getting pregnant for example...) it has stolen my joy, my witness...ME. 

i'll spare you more of the story/details. (but will talk to anyone who wants to know more!)

it's embarrassing to admit this struggle. it's so completely vain. I hate it. but i'll confess it to the world to keep another girl from feeling this way. I have three precious niece’s (4 little ones now!) that I will go to battle for! the devil and his evil schemes might as well head the other way. God is greater, stronger and higher than any of the devils' foolishness. 

My heart belongs to Jesus. I pray that I will keep my eyes on Him and not the things of this world. I want to be healthy not skinny. I pray you'll hold me accountable to that when i'm having a rough day :) and that you'll help me stay focused on Him. 

Back to my blog:

I kinda bypassed specifics but my rapid weight loss affected my body in a way that makes getting pregnant tough. I’ve tried some different things to get the ball rolling but it either failed or jay & I decided my whacked out hormones weren’t worth the effort. (ok before you ask…I’ve had LOTS of tests run, been to specialist, etc. I’m a phenomenon.)

We pretty much came to the conclusion that we’d rather pour our time, energy, resources, finances, etc. into something that has a final outcome…adoption.

We haven’t gotten far in the process. We tend to get freaked out b/c of money. I know that isn’t showing a lot of faith. God has called us to be parents so we know He’ll provide. (I say that but at the end of every form I fill out I stop when I see the cost…)

Pray for us! We need wisdom, peace and direction.